Here endth the journal entries. The rest of the story is composed from recollection.
Monday & Tuesday, May 31 & June 1, 2004
There were copious hugs and kisses upon my return home from Gethsemani on Sunday afternoon. I could not immediately share with Anita all the emotions and meditations I had been through at Gethsemani. First, it was just too much to convey in one burst. Secondly, I did not want to tell her my inclinations on the job until I had heard her thoughts without any influence from me. However, I am sure she sensed the peace I carried with me from Gethsemani.
We launched our trip to Destin early Monday morning. I do not remember exactly how much we discussed about the job and about my weekend on Sunday evening while packing and how much was discussed on the drive down I-65 south. Given the fact we had an excited 3 year old with us who is very energetic and imaginative and going to the beach for the first time, I am sure we did most of our talking on Sunday evening. Cohesive conversation in the car would not have been a reality. That was fine. It was family time. They had sacrificed my time and attention enough over the last month.
What I do know was that Anita felt that Ingram was the better choice. She knew my personality and could foresee the stresses that would naturally arise from the EASI position. It was a step up in my engineering career and EASI needed much done in a short time. There would be no easing into that position. I would have to hit the ground running and go full bore not that either of us were afraid of this. It was just a fact. We both knew I would be traveling a good bit up front, and that it would level out at about 25% of my time. In addition, I had the longer commute through major construction on I-65 northbound. She was also factoring an eventual move to the Hendersonville so that we could maximize our family life.
This thought had major ramifications. In early May, Anita and I completed our third year of hosting and leading a college life group as part of our church’s college ministry. We were very close to the young men and women in our group. They were now part of our family. In fact, the whole uncertainty of my situation as school ended in late May 2004 was very hard on the group. We had spent much of our prayer time on my family’s situation. We had our last meeting of the year and said our goodbyes; we all thought that it was likely the final night. We parted with tears and hugs. They were not goodbyes for the summer infused with the knowledge of the fall return. They were the goodbyes of relationships that would take on new forms from distances. We really believed we would likely be in St. Louis at that point.
Now we realized that this job could affect the joy we felt in being able to continue life group. Even if we did not move right away, it would be difficult to continue the life group in the same manner with the time and travel constraints the job was likely to impose. In addition, we were very active at our church in other ways now with Maria involved in the children’s ministry. All of her friends and social activity was through church. Anita was involved in many activities at church and with other mothers there during the week. We loved our church and it would be very difficult to leave. Even if we remained at our church after a move, it would be impossible to maintain the same level of involvement with a 45-minute or better one-way commute. One family we were friends with had already left just for this reason. They lived in Hendersonville and the commute was too much, despite their love for our church, so they ended up leaving for a church closer to home.
Anyway, I shared with Anita my thoughts and understandings from the weekend. When I had been walking in the woods that Saturday morning, I had been continually moving toward the EASI job offer as the right choice. Then the diversion of path in the woods occurred (reference Chapter 8). Afterward, I re-evaluated my feelings focusing on the wisdom Charlie provided in our Friday phone conversation and reflecting on what God might have been showing me during that walk. By the end of the weekend, I had determined Ingram was the best choice—the choice God was impressing on my heart. We had one problem however. No matter how we sliced it, we could not meet our budget with the initial Ingram offer without selling our home and moving to something cheaper.
Sometime during the drive down to Destin, I talked with Kaj at Ingram. He said he would be faxing an updated offer to my condominium. He told me verbally that he was able to up the offer. The new offer was the exact amount we needed to make ends meet in our budget. When we arrived in Destin we stopped to eat, checked in at the condominium, and I picked up my fax. Anita took Maria to the beach. Maria did not have time to wait around for such inconsequential matters as money and career decisions. There was a beach calling her name! Children are awesome in helping adults keep their priorities in order. I do remember Anita and I praying for final direction and offering thanks.
I stayed in the room for a while with my laptop making sure I had not missed anything in our financial analysis. With a final word of prayer, I called Kaj and verbally accepted his offer. I then signed the faxed forms and had the condominium office fax my acceptance to Ingram. The only down side was having to phone EASI and tell them I was not taking their offer. When I called, Paul immediately offered me more money. I gratefully thanked him, but told him this was not a money issue and that the offer I had accepted was lower than EASI’s initial offer. He thanked me for my professionalism throughout the interview process and wished me the best. I felt bad for EASI because they needed help and I knew I had the enthusiasm they wanted. Yet, Ingram was the choice to which God had led my family and me.
The rest of the week was one of the most enjoyable, relaxing times I have ever had. I relaxed in the light of Anita and Maria’s enjoyment and with the peace of a journey completed. I also felt energized with the excitement of a new journey beginning.
Author's note: I will conclude this series with an epilogue that should tie up some loose ends and provide a status of how things worked out. Thanks for reading.
Tony
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Friday, August 12, 2005
Faith Walk: Chapter 8
This post is part of a series of journal transcriptions from my second retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, KY during May 28 to May 30, 2004.
Sunday May 30, 2004 12:25 AM EST (Part 2)
I reach the conclusion of this Gethsemani retreat. I am writing from a wooden deck chair grayed from age and weather. My feet are propped up on a rock wall looking out over the flowers in the garden beneath me with my knees as a writing surface. The sun is bright as is my renewed spirit. I feel a duality of peace and excitement: the peace from a journey completed. The excitement for a new journey beginning. God knew I needed to be here this weekend. I arrived having two offers and a major decision to make on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.
I talked to Kaj on Friday as I left Nashville for Gethsemani. I told him if the base salary had been $7000 higher, I would have accepted immediately. He does not think he can do anything, but I am to talk with him on Tuesday. I will be in Destin, FL. Anita and I scheduled a last minute trip to the beach for the coming week. We booked it Thursday night to celebrate getting the two offers that day. We have not been on a vacation in a long while. With the new job and income reduction, we will not be taking one anytime soon after starting the new job. I will be making just enough extra money in June from receiving both vacation pay from CIC and the salary from the new job. We have been aching to take Maria, who is almost four, to the beach. This will be her first real trip to the beach. She is so excited. So am I!
I will be driving home within the hour to prepare for leaving tomorrow. God has spoken to me this weekend through my silence, my walks, Scripture, worship, and the reflection this writing provides. During the drive up from Nashville on Friday, Charlie Brandon, a senior member and former elder at my church, and someone I deeply respect, called on my cell phone. My men’s group had decided to recruit a few new members to the group. One of the men suggested was Charlie, and I volunteered to speak with him. This was months ago when I invited him to our group. He was just now calling to tell me that his schedule would not allow him to join. He had no idea about my situation. In addition, I was near the end of the three-hour drive, maybe 30 minutes from the Abbey. Very soon, I would loose cell phone coverage. Yet unexpectedly, I get this call from Charlie.
After conveying his message he asked me how I was doing and what was going on in my life. I briefly explained my job situation, the two offers, and the aspects of each. We talked about my situation and the decisions I was facing. He did not give me advice directly, but he engaged me in discussion about frenetic lifestyle, what does one really want from their life, and how do career decisions affect these desires. More wisdom delivered from I AM via an earthly agent. What a glorious preface to my arrival and purpose at Gethsemani.
Another powerful measure of guidance occurred on Saturday morning during my three-hour hike among the rolling hills and forest. I love these hikes at Gethsemani. I feel as if I am walking into and amidst the purlieu of God’s kingdom. Indeed, I believe I am. On this Saturday morning, I departed early. I walked access road, made of large, brown gravel, which leads into the depths of the Abbey property on which visitors are allowed. On each side are wide strips of tall grass that are periodically harvested for hay. These strips are bordered by trees marking the creeks that drain the rising hills into the watershed next to the Abbey. This watershed contains a series man-made canals and pools that are guarded by an abandoned pumping station. This station previously managed the water and sewage needs of the Abbey years ago. It is apparent that the monks who founded the Abbey precisely selected this spot to build the Abbey. They were intelligent in its design and resourceful in its management.
As I walk, insects aerially sprint from one spot to another; drone by like cargo craft; or swim gently and aimlessly in the heavy, humid air. Small birds dancingly flit from place to place or dart by like jets as they go about their inviolable functions. The magnificent insect polyphony and variety of bird songs perform the Creator’s Nature Symphony, which will accompany me throughout my trek this morning. Rivulets hidden in the thick grass trickle along the road edge, methodically moving toward the collecting basin that I am leaving behind. After a short walk in, the gravel access forks. If you travel left, it will take you to the copse where the Statues of the Garden of Gethsemane rest.[1] I break right heading into the hills and forest and to a man-made lake. This lake is formed by a large concrete wall that dams one of the creeks emanating from the hills and supplying the watershed. I assume the lake was created to guarantee a water supply for the Abbey during the dry seasons of the year. You can walk this wall, approximately 2 feet wide, across the mouth of this small lake, which I guess is between 100 and 200 yards in length. A few inches to my left is the dark water of the deepest part of the lake. Inches to my right is a plunge of maybe 20-30 feet into a waste of weeds, tall grass, and trees. No rails or protection on either side just air—an exhilarating walk! I make this walk to determine if my middle-aged nerves can still handle being a boy.
After I have passed my little test, I continue upwards into the woods and hills. The gravel service road turned into a dirt road well before the lake and continues to narrow until it becomes just a hiking path, although at points it still gets wide. The 2000 acres that make up the Abbey property are well managed including the forests. A vast network of trails branches and links allowing a sojourner to choose from multiple passages and to find new areas for exploration. The monks now use ATVs to move about this vast nature reserve performing their stewardship of their Garden of Eden. Yet, I have not had any of my hikes disturbed by the work of the monks, nor have I met anyone else in my hikes unto these hills. Solitude is plentiful.
As I stroll through this majesty, I feel more and more at peace. Not because I have made any decisions, but a peace from perspective. The world is out there somewhere, and my soul is walking on the fringes of God’s realm. It is as if He is in some secret center deep within; a place I am not seeking to enter but am aware is there. I mentally attempt to empty myself of thoughts, my busyness, and my will. I begin praying for God to fill this emptiness with His will—to give me mental ears to hear. “Father, lead me to the decision with which I can best serve you.” As I have mentioned before, this months-long ordeal is really the first time I have ever consciously placed my career in the hands of God and sought His will for it. Prior, I was not spiritually mature enough to know to do it. Career was separate from Church and Christianity. I was to be a Christian in the work force, but what career and where I choose to work was compartmentalized outside my spiritual life, rather than being a subset of it. God has led me to know better.
I tried to be empty and listen, but this is hard for a human and takes much practice. I had reached a strong proclivity toward one of the job opportunities. As I had mulled over the options, analyzing the pros and cons of each, I felt the facts might be God’s way of showing the path that was best. During this walk of meditation, prayer, and listening, this intuition was solidifying itself into decision. I grew more and more comfortable with this choice. I almost felt in a trance at this point, very removed from self and surroundings. Sort of like a runner’s high—moving through your environment but removed from it; hardly affected by the physical.
I was jolted out of this out-of-body rest. The path came upon one of the bigger creeks that flowed from the engulfing hillsides. I knew this point from a previous hike. It was a wider part of the creek, 6 or 7 feet across, in a valley between the hills where the land flattens just a little more than the adjacent terrain. Last time I was here, I could walk across in a few inches of water over the rock ledges that were exposed by the water’s slow excavation. Not today. The Ohio and Tennessee Valley regions have received a large amount of rain over the last week. The creek was now 3 to 4 feet deep and moving swiftly. I could make it across, but did not want to get soaking wet with several hours left in my hike. I had a specific area I wanted to explore further and this was the path to it. I begin walking up the creek hoping to find a narrow place at which I could leap across. I had to leave the trail, push through the underbrush, and dodge through the trees.
After 15-20 minutes, I finally reached a point I thought I could attempt. I made the leap and got across. However, I now I had to find my way back to the path I wanted. As I pushed downstream, I quickly ran into thicker underbrush that became impassable. This area of growth was very large resulting in another deviation. I was no longer sure exactly where my original path lay. I was not worried about being lost. I knew the direction of the Abbey, and knew I could find my way back to it. Nevertheless, I was not sure I was going to find the path that leads to the particular hilltop that I wanted to explore. A point at which I had stopped during my first visit to Gethsemani.
As I tried to make my ever-meandering way back to where I thought my path lay, I kept meeting resistance and had to choose new directions. I finally walked upon another trail. One that did not appear to go in the direction I wished. However, it was passable, so I took it. I resigned myself to the fact that I may not make it to my original destination today, which was fine. I began trying to reacquire my meditative state of listening to God. As I worked on this transformation, the trail met up with a much wider path. My original path. I was back on the road to my original destination.
My rhythmical and purposeful stride began to restore my somnambulate state, and as it did, I began to realize that God may have been speaking to me and answering my prayer for guidance. Was the job choice I was leaning toward really the right path to His ultimate destination? Did I need to take a circuitous road to get to where I needed to be and in the process wade through a few obstacles? Were the original exhortations I was feeling from a different source, that is, Satan trying to influence me? I am not alluding that one job was evil or could not serve God’s will, just that it may not have been God exhorting me, and that the other job was His preference. Could it be that one of the jobs would offer more opportunities for temptation and thus was Satan’s preference? Just thoughts and questions that came to me in my meditation.
I prayed to God to open my eyes and heart even wider and to attune me to His will. This led me to contemplate harder on my phone call with Charlie. I also realized I needed to pay close attention to the thoughts of my wife, specifically without her knowing my initial inclination. I needed her uninfluenced reasoning, her gleanings from searching God’s will. The tide of choice began to change. To do this day, I firmly believe that this incident was God loving and leading me.
Back to Sunday. I will have the drive home today, and all day with Anita tomorrow as we drive to Florida to contemplate our decision. As conclude my retreat, I reflect on the words God delivered to me Friday soon after my arrival (see Chapter 1). “Behold I send an angel before you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place which I have prepared. Give heed to him and hearken to his voice.” [Exodus 23:20-21] I haven’t seen my family much in the last few weeks. I miss them very much. I close my journaling and my retreat with this prayer:
[1] The statues are two life size sculptures, one depicting the apostles sleeping in the garden and the other of Christ praying in agony. The statues were donated in honor of a young seminarian who traveled to Alabama during the civil rights movement. Witnessing an escalating argument between a young women and a law enforcement officer who raised his weapon to shoot, he stepped in and took the bullet for her. A plaque at the path entrance to the statues reads: "In memory of Jonathon M Daniel. Episcopal seminarian martyred in Alabama Aug. 20, 1965. Donated to the Monastery by William Coolidge of Boston, MA. Walker Hancock sculptor. May we always remember that the Church exists to lead men to Christ in many and varied ways, but it is always the same Christ."
Sunday May 30, 2004 12:25 AM EST (Part 2)
I reach the conclusion of this Gethsemani retreat. I am writing from a wooden deck chair grayed from age and weather. My feet are propped up on a rock wall looking out over the flowers in the garden beneath me with my knees as a writing surface. The sun is bright as is my renewed spirit. I feel a duality of peace and excitement: the peace from a journey completed. The excitement for a new journey beginning. God knew I needed to be here this weekend. I arrived having two offers and a major decision to make on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.
I talked to Kaj on Friday as I left Nashville for Gethsemani. I told him if the base salary had been $7000 higher, I would have accepted immediately. He does not think he can do anything, but I am to talk with him on Tuesday. I will be in Destin, FL. Anita and I scheduled a last minute trip to the beach for the coming week. We booked it Thursday night to celebrate getting the two offers that day. We have not been on a vacation in a long while. With the new job and income reduction, we will not be taking one anytime soon after starting the new job. I will be making just enough extra money in June from receiving both vacation pay from CIC and the salary from the new job. We have been aching to take Maria, who is almost four, to the beach. This will be her first real trip to the beach. She is so excited. So am I!
I will be driving home within the hour to prepare for leaving tomorrow. God has spoken to me this weekend through my silence, my walks, Scripture, worship, and the reflection this writing provides. During the drive up from Nashville on Friday, Charlie Brandon, a senior member and former elder at my church, and someone I deeply respect, called on my cell phone. My men’s group had decided to recruit a few new members to the group. One of the men suggested was Charlie, and I volunteered to speak with him. This was months ago when I invited him to our group. He was just now calling to tell me that his schedule would not allow him to join. He had no idea about my situation. In addition, I was near the end of the three-hour drive, maybe 30 minutes from the Abbey. Very soon, I would loose cell phone coverage. Yet unexpectedly, I get this call from Charlie.
After conveying his message he asked me how I was doing and what was going on in my life. I briefly explained my job situation, the two offers, and the aspects of each. We talked about my situation and the decisions I was facing. He did not give me advice directly, but he engaged me in discussion about frenetic lifestyle, what does one really want from their life, and how do career decisions affect these desires. More wisdom delivered from I AM via an earthly agent. What a glorious preface to my arrival and purpose at Gethsemani.
Another powerful measure of guidance occurred on Saturday morning during my three-hour hike among the rolling hills and forest. I love these hikes at Gethsemani. I feel as if I am walking into and amidst the purlieu of God’s kingdom. Indeed, I believe I am. On this Saturday morning, I departed early. I walked access road, made of large, brown gravel, which leads into the depths of the Abbey property on which visitors are allowed. On each side are wide strips of tall grass that are periodically harvested for hay. These strips are bordered by trees marking the creeks that drain the rising hills into the watershed next to the Abbey. This watershed contains a series man-made canals and pools that are guarded by an abandoned pumping station. This station previously managed the water and sewage needs of the Abbey years ago. It is apparent that the monks who founded the Abbey precisely selected this spot to build the Abbey. They were intelligent in its design and resourceful in its management.
As I walk, insects aerially sprint from one spot to another; drone by like cargo craft; or swim gently and aimlessly in the heavy, humid air. Small birds dancingly flit from place to place or dart by like jets as they go about their inviolable functions. The magnificent insect polyphony and variety of bird songs perform the Creator’s Nature Symphony, which will accompany me throughout my trek this morning. Rivulets hidden in the thick grass trickle along the road edge, methodically moving toward the collecting basin that I am leaving behind. After a short walk in, the gravel access forks. If you travel left, it will take you to the copse where the Statues of the Garden of Gethsemane rest.[1] I break right heading into the hills and forest and to a man-made lake. This lake is formed by a large concrete wall that dams one of the creeks emanating from the hills and supplying the watershed. I assume the lake was created to guarantee a water supply for the Abbey during the dry seasons of the year. You can walk this wall, approximately 2 feet wide, across the mouth of this small lake, which I guess is between 100 and 200 yards in length. A few inches to my left is the dark water of the deepest part of the lake. Inches to my right is a plunge of maybe 20-30 feet into a waste of weeds, tall grass, and trees. No rails or protection on either side just air—an exhilarating walk! I make this walk to determine if my middle-aged nerves can still handle being a boy.
After I have passed my little test, I continue upwards into the woods and hills. The gravel service road turned into a dirt road well before the lake and continues to narrow until it becomes just a hiking path, although at points it still gets wide. The 2000 acres that make up the Abbey property are well managed including the forests. A vast network of trails branches and links allowing a sojourner to choose from multiple passages and to find new areas for exploration. The monks now use ATVs to move about this vast nature reserve performing their stewardship of their Garden of Eden. Yet, I have not had any of my hikes disturbed by the work of the monks, nor have I met anyone else in my hikes unto these hills. Solitude is plentiful.
As I stroll through this majesty, I feel more and more at peace. Not because I have made any decisions, but a peace from perspective. The world is out there somewhere, and my soul is walking on the fringes of God’s realm. It is as if He is in some secret center deep within; a place I am not seeking to enter but am aware is there. I mentally attempt to empty myself of thoughts, my busyness, and my will. I begin praying for God to fill this emptiness with His will—to give me mental ears to hear. “Father, lead me to the decision with which I can best serve you.” As I have mentioned before, this months-long ordeal is really the first time I have ever consciously placed my career in the hands of God and sought His will for it. Prior, I was not spiritually mature enough to know to do it. Career was separate from Church and Christianity. I was to be a Christian in the work force, but what career and where I choose to work was compartmentalized outside my spiritual life, rather than being a subset of it. God has led me to know better.
I tried to be empty and listen, but this is hard for a human and takes much practice. I had reached a strong proclivity toward one of the job opportunities. As I had mulled over the options, analyzing the pros and cons of each, I felt the facts might be God’s way of showing the path that was best. During this walk of meditation, prayer, and listening, this intuition was solidifying itself into decision. I grew more and more comfortable with this choice. I almost felt in a trance at this point, very removed from self and surroundings. Sort of like a runner’s high—moving through your environment but removed from it; hardly affected by the physical.
I was jolted out of this out-of-body rest. The path came upon one of the bigger creeks that flowed from the engulfing hillsides. I knew this point from a previous hike. It was a wider part of the creek, 6 or 7 feet across, in a valley between the hills where the land flattens just a little more than the adjacent terrain. Last time I was here, I could walk across in a few inches of water over the rock ledges that were exposed by the water’s slow excavation. Not today. The Ohio and Tennessee Valley regions have received a large amount of rain over the last week. The creek was now 3 to 4 feet deep and moving swiftly. I could make it across, but did not want to get soaking wet with several hours left in my hike. I had a specific area I wanted to explore further and this was the path to it. I begin walking up the creek hoping to find a narrow place at which I could leap across. I had to leave the trail, push through the underbrush, and dodge through the trees.
After 15-20 minutes, I finally reached a point I thought I could attempt. I made the leap and got across. However, I now I had to find my way back to the path I wanted. As I pushed downstream, I quickly ran into thicker underbrush that became impassable. This area of growth was very large resulting in another deviation. I was no longer sure exactly where my original path lay. I was not worried about being lost. I knew the direction of the Abbey, and knew I could find my way back to it. Nevertheless, I was not sure I was going to find the path that leads to the particular hilltop that I wanted to explore. A point at which I had stopped during my first visit to Gethsemani.
As I tried to make my ever-meandering way back to where I thought my path lay, I kept meeting resistance and had to choose new directions. I finally walked upon another trail. One that did not appear to go in the direction I wished. However, it was passable, so I took it. I resigned myself to the fact that I may not make it to my original destination today, which was fine. I began trying to reacquire my meditative state of listening to God. As I worked on this transformation, the trail met up with a much wider path. My original path. I was back on the road to my original destination.
My rhythmical and purposeful stride began to restore my somnambulate state, and as it did, I began to realize that God may have been speaking to me and answering my prayer for guidance. Was the job choice I was leaning toward really the right path to His ultimate destination? Did I need to take a circuitous road to get to where I needed to be and in the process wade through a few obstacles? Were the original exhortations I was feeling from a different source, that is, Satan trying to influence me? I am not alluding that one job was evil or could not serve God’s will, just that it may not have been God exhorting me, and that the other job was His preference. Could it be that one of the jobs would offer more opportunities for temptation and thus was Satan’s preference? Just thoughts and questions that came to me in my meditation.
I prayed to God to open my eyes and heart even wider and to attune me to His will. This led me to contemplate harder on my phone call with Charlie. I also realized I needed to pay close attention to the thoughts of my wife, specifically without her knowing my initial inclination. I needed her uninfluenced reasoning, her gleanings from searching God’s will. The tide of choice began to change. To do this day, I firmly believe that this incident was God loving and leading me.
Back to Sunday. I will have the drive home today, and all day with Anita tomorrow as we drive to Florida to contemplate our decision. As conclude my retreat, I reflect on the words God delivered to me Friday soon after my arrival (see Chapter 1). “Behold I send an angel before you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place which I have prepared. Give heed to him and hearken to his voice.” [Exodus 23:20-21] I haven’t seen my family much in the last few weeks. I miss them very much. I close my journaling and my retreat with this prayer:
Dear God, thank you for your foresight in delivering me to this place this weekend. Thank you for the overwhelming, redemptive gift of Jesus my Savior. Lord I also thank you for the underserved blessing of Anita and Maria in my life. I am going home now. AMEN!
[1] The statues are two life size sculptures, one depicting the apostles sleeping in the garden and the other of Christ praying in agony. The statues were donated in honor of a young seminarian who traveled to Alabama during the civil rights movement. Witnessing an escalating argument between a young women and a law enforcement officer who raised his weapon to shoot, he stepped in and took the bullet for her. A plaque at the path entrance to the statues reads: "In memory of Jonathon M Daniel. Episcopal seminarian martyred in Alabama Aug. 20, 1965. Donated to the Monastery by William Coolidge of Boston, MA. Walker Hancock sculptor. May we always remember that the Church exists to lead men to Christ in many and varied ways, but it is always the same Christ."
Monday, August 01, 2005
Faith Walk: Chapter 7
This post is part of a series of journal transcriptions from my second retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, KY during May 28 to May 30, 2004.
Sunday May 30, 2004 12:25 AM EST (Part 1)
I have just returned from the Pentecost Mass service followed by lunch. Back to my epistle. I really want to finish journaling this story today, if possible, but as in my speaking, my writing is long-winded (long-inked) and disjointed. I resume with Friday May 21, 2004.
It is my last day in the office at CIC. The lawyers have me scheduled for testimony in Philadelphia on Monday, May 24, and for Wednesday the 26, if necessary. I am booked to leave on Sunday at 1:30 PM and to return at 6:15 PM Wednesday just in time to make it to the Rush concert. I tell Mark and Ritchie that I will not be in the office next week because of the Philly trip through Wednesday, another interview with EASI on Thursday, and leaving on this Gethsemani retreat on Friday. The interview with EASI will be my third and last. They called this morning to tell me they wanted me to come in so they could make a formal offer in person. Mark, my boss, notes that I am done since the following Monday is Memorial Day and after which I am no longer a CIC employee. I acknowledged he is correct. I do not go to lunch with Mark and Ritchie as I am fasting for young John’s test for cystic fibrosis. Shortly, after they leave, I get an email saying John’s tests were negative; he does not have CF! Praise God!
A strange, hurtful thing happens this afternoon. Mark, VP of Engineering and my boss for the last five years, leaves in the afternoon without saying a single word to me—no goodbye, no good luck—nothing. This is a man I prayed for, in his presence, when his wife was diagnosed with a tumor. The tumor was benign and treatable, but it was a very stressful time for him and his wife. I leave him an email telling him I am surprised by his abrupt departure, but I also tell him I have enjoyed working with him and I have learned much at CIC. I also attach a file that gives him a roadmap to all my documents and how to handle my items of responsibilities. Mark has my book, Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road. I wonder if I will see it again. He was supposed to have returned it earlier in the week having had it for several months and never reading it. Like everything else with Mark, you have to hound him for what he promised to do. Contrarily, if he needs something from you, you had better get it done fast and perfect. I do not look forward to the book retrieval process.
Ritchie is pleasant and we exchange goodbyes and best wishes. Jon, the President of the company, is at his mountain retreat in North Carolina. He has been nice during the last few weeks. We talk on the phone, as we are partners in the ever-changing schedule of the arbitration. He is to testify after me. His last day is also on May 31. I am told by the attorneys that Jon has been going to bat for me behind the scenes. Despite the efforts of Jon and of the lawyers defending Exelon, our parent remains mute regarding any severance. I guess they feel they have squeezed all the blood they need out of this turnip.
My friend Chuck, my Ingram contact, calls to see how everything is going, and I tell him. He laughs when I tell him some of the statements Kaj made in my last interview. “Another candidate is the one I really want, but he cannot start until July, and I cannot wait that long.” “If you come on board and do not carry your weight, my team will cut you off at the knees.” Kaj was whom Chuck reported to, and to whom I would report. Despite these comments, Ingram is where I want to work.
So I head to Philly on Sunday. I do well in the testimony on Monday and Wednesday, at least according to Paul and Rich, the attorneys. I personally felt that it was a mixture of good and bad moments, but they say it went well. The judge sustained many of the opposing Counsel’s objections making it difficult for Rich to ask me the questions he wanted to during his direct examination. Both Paul and Rich tell me I did well in making sure our points were made during the cross-examination.
On Tuesday, my day off in Philadelphia, I call the head of HR at Ingram to inform her that I am receiving another offer on Thursday. I convey that I want to work at Ingram, but that I will find it difficult to turn down an offer while facing immediate employment. I do not want to push Ingram, but I also do not want to eliminate myself if I am still in the hunt. She tells me I am on the final list.
Wednesday, while I am waiting for my flight, Ingram calls to set up a Thursday interview at 4:00 PM to meet other executives in the Barge group that I have not talked with. Wow! The Lord is working! I tell her that I will try to postpone a decision on EASI until the Tuesday or Wednesday after Memorial Day. I have not heard EASI’s offer yet, so it may not even be attractive. In addition, there will be a 90-day probation period, which works both ways. Either EASI or I can dissolve the business arrangement without cause during this period. I could still accept an Ingram offer later, if one is made, and if EASI is not what I thought it would be. I would not do this unless I knew I had walked into a bad situation. I honor my commitments.
My flight touches down in Nashville airport at 6:15 PM Wednesday, and I head directly to the Rush concert. I thought it started at 8:00 PM. Most concerts do. While listening to the radio on the way, I find out that it begins at 7:30 PM. If I had known the starting time all along, I would have just been more hurried and anxious throughout the day. My inattentiveness to the start time printed on the ticket saved me a wealth of self-induced anxiety. I make the show in time, arriving at the parking lot at 7:05 PM. I hit very little traffic coming in from the airport to the amphitheater via Murfreesboro Road. I would have been stuck in traffic traveling my normal route from my home. The show starts at precisely 7:30. Rush has no opening act, and the show is a wonderful three hours long. A fantastic concert! The band is tight and full of energy. The light show and big screen graphics perfectly coordinated to heighten the experience of the senses. Opening night after weeks of stress. I needed this.
Thursday May 27, D-Day, that is decision day. Well, not really. It turns out that Decision Day will be Tuesday and Wednesday next week, June 1st or 2nd. I meet with EASI at noon. They make a decent offer, a very good offer from their standpoint. The base salary during the 90-day probation period is $15,000 below my current—I should say my former—salary, but it would increase by $6000 afterward. Also included is $250 per month to help with insurance (recall that EASI does not provide health, life, or disability insurance); $200 per day for billable travel (they bill my time at a much higher rate); and 10% of the profits for any product or project sales I generate. Additionally, if I can bring them outsourced manufacturing business to consume their excess capacity, I will get a big percentage of the revenue, and it would be my operation to run. One reason I was an attractive candidate for EASI was my long history in the electronics industry. The felt my extensive network of contacts and good relationships with these contacts could help expand their business. Bonuses are also part of the plan for meeting product milestones ahead of schedule.
I am not a proponent of incentive and quota type compensation plans. I believe they often create behavior patterns opposite of those intended. However, EASI was correct, the person in this position can write is own ticket. I am even more convinced though that I would end up in Hendersonville after the 90 days in order to mitigate the intense work schedule. Yet, it could be fun as well as tough. I would be a crucial member of the company.
My Ingram appointment has been moved up to 2:00 PM, so I leave EASI and head directly to Ingram. I meet with the President and with the VP of HR and Legal Advisory. Both of these men are pleasant. Chuck prepped me for my meeting with Craig, the President, and the interview went well. I then meet with Kaj. He shocks me by handing me an offer letter. The base offer is much less than EASI and is $24,500 less than my CIC salary. There is up to a 10% bonus based upon profit sharing, but this is not guaranteed. There is also $0.50 on the dollar matching on 401k contributions up to 5% of salary. The matching percentage is graduated based on years of service until it reaches dollar for dollar. EASI does not have a 401k. I will also receive 3000 shares of phantom stock that can provide substantial pay out later. Ingram provides great health benefits, and I need to factor in professional growth within Ingram.
So on Friday morning, May 28, 2004, I begin my three-hour drive to Gethsemani Abbey with two very different opportunities to choose between. The EASI opportunity offers much better money upfront; an exciting chance to make my own way; staying in my field of expertise of electrical engineering; few benefits; higher risk and higher stress; and a longer commute with a likely move looming. Ingram offers a stable company with excellent benefits; a new learning experience but the risk of a major career change; opportunity to work with my friend Chuck; lower financial reward upfront; and a less stressful environment and an easy commute.
Sunday May 30, 2004 12:25 AM EST (Part 1)
I have just returned from the Pentecost Mass service followed by lunch. Back to my epistle. I really want to finish journaling this story today, if possible, but as in my speaking, my writing is long-winded (long-inked) and disjointed. I resume with Friday May 21, 2004.
It is my last day in the office at CIC. The lawyers have me scheduled for testimony in Philadelphia on Monday, May 24, and for Wednesday the 26, if necessary. I am booked to leave on Sunday at 1:30 PM and to return at 6:15 PM Wednesday just in time to make it to the Rush concert. I tell Mark and Ritchie that I will not be in the office next week because of the Philly trip through Wednesday, another interview with EASI on Thursday, and leaving on this Gethsemani retreat on Friday. The interview with EASI will be my third and last. They called this morning to tell me they wanted me to come in so they could make a formal offer in person. Mark, my boss, notes that I am done since the following Monday is Memorial Day and after which I am no longer a CIC employee. I acknowledged he is correct. I do not go to lunch with Mark and Ritchie as I am fasting for young John’s test for cystic fibrosis. Shortly, after they leave, I get an email saying John’s tests were negative; he does not have CF! Praise God!
A strange, hurtful thing happens this afternoon. Mark, VP of Engineering and my boss for the last five years, leaves in the afternoon without saying a single word to me—no goodbye, no good luck—nothing. This is a man I prayed for, in his presence, when his wife was diagnosed with a tumor. The tumor was benign and treatable, but it was a very stressful time for him and his wife. I leave him an email telling him I am surprised by his abrupt departure, but I also tell him I have enjoyed working with him and I have learned much at CIC. I also attach a file that gives him a roadmap to all my documents and how to handle my items of responsibilities. Mark has my book, Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road. I wonder if I will see it again. He was supposed to have returned it earlier in the week having had it for several months and never reading it. Like everything else with Mark, you have to hound him for what he promised to do. Contrarily, if he needs something from you, you had better get it done fast and perfect. I do not look forward to the book retrieval process.
Ritchie is pleasant and we exchange goodbyes and best wishes. Jon, the President of the company, is at his mountain retreat in North Carolina. He has been nice during the last few weeks. We talk on the phone, as we are partners in the ever-changing schedule of the arbitration. He is to testify after me. His last day is also on May 31. I am told by the attorneys that Jon has been going to bat for me behind the scenes. Despite the efforts of Jon and of the lawyers defending Exelon, our parent remains mute regarding any severance. I guess they feel they have squeezed all the blood they need out of this turnip.
My friend Chuck, my Ingram contact, calls to see how everything is going, and I tell him. He laughs when I tell him some of the statements Kaj made in my last interview. “Another candidate is the one I really want, but he cannot start until July, and I cannot wait that long.” “If you come on board and do not carry your weight, my team will cut you off at the knees.” Kaj was whom Chuck reported to, and to whom I would report. Despite these comments, Ingram is where I want to work.
So I head to Philly on Sunday. I do well in the testimony on Monday and Wednesday, at least according to Paul and Rich, the attorneys. I personally felt that it was a mixture of good and bad moments, but they say it went well. The judge sustained many of the opposing Counsel’s objections making it difficult for Rich to ask me the questions he wanted to during his direct examination. Both Paul and Rich tell me I did well in making sure our points were made during the cross-examination.
On Tuesday, my day off in Philadelphia, I call the head of HR at Ingram to inform her that I am receiving another offer on Thursday. I convey that I want to work at Ingram, but that I will find it difficult to turn down an offer while facing immediate employment. I do not want to push Ingram, but I also do not want to eliminate myself if I am still in the hunt. She tells me I am on the final list.
Wednesday, while I am waiting for my flight, Ingram calls to set up a Thursday interview at 4:00 PM to meet other executives in the Barge group that I have not talked with. Wow! The Lord is working! I tell her that I will try to postpone a decision on EASI until the Tuesday or Wednesday after Memorial Day. I have not heard EASI’s offer yet, so it may not even be attractive. In addition, there will be a 90-day probation period, which works both ways. Either EASI or I can dissolve the business arrangement without cause during this period. I could still accept an Ingram offer later, if one is made, and if EASI is not what I thought it would be. I would not do this unless I knew I had walked into a bad situation. I honor my commitments.
My flight touches down in Nashville airport at 6:15 PM Wednesday, and I head directly to the Rush concert. I thought it started at 8:00 PM. Most concerts do. While listening to the radio on the way, I find out that it begins at 7:30 PM. If I had known the starting time all along, I would have just been more hurried and anxious throughout the day. My inattentiveness to the start time printed on the ticket saved me a wealth of self-induced anxiety. I make the show in time, arriving at the parking lot at 7:05 PM. I hit very little traffic coming in from the airport to the amphitheater via Murfreesboro Road. I would have been stuck in traffic traveling my normal route from my home. The show starts at precisely 7:30. Rush has no opening act, and the show is a wonderful three hours long. A fantastic concert! The band is tight and full of energy. The light show and big screen graphics perfectly coordinated to heighten the experience of the senses. Opening night after weeks of stress. I needed this.
Thursday May 27, D-Day, that is decision day. Well, not really. It turns out that Decision Day will be Tuesday and Wednesday next week, June 1st or 2nd. I meet with EASI at noon. They make a decent offer, a very good offer from their standpoint. The base salary during the 90-day probation period is $15,000 below my current—I should say my former—salary, but it would increase by $6000 afterward. Also included is $250 per month to help with insurance (recall that EASI does not provide health, life, or disability insurance); $200 per day for billable travel (they bill my time at a much higher rate); and 10% of the profits for any product or project sales I generate. Additionally, if I can bring them outsourced manufacturing business to consume their excess capacity, I will get a big percentage of the revenue, and it would be my operation to run. One reason I was an attractive candidate for EASI was my long history in the electronics industry. The felt my extensive network of contacts and good relationships with these contacts could help expand their business. Bonuses are also part of the plan for meeting product milestones ahead of schedule.
I am not a proponent of incentive and quota type compensation plans. I believe they often create behavior patterns opposite of those intended. However, EASI was correct, the person in this position can write is own ticket. I am even more convinced though that I would end up in Hendersonville after the 90 days in order to mitigate the intense work schedule. Yet, it could be fun as well as tough. I would be a crucial member of the company.
My Ingram appointment has been moved up to 2:00 PM, so I leave EASI and head directly to Ingram. I meet with the President and with the VP of HR and Legal Advisory. Both of these men are pleasant. Chuck prepped me for my meeting with Craig, the President, and the interview went well. I then meet with Kaj. He shocks me by handing me an offer letter. The base offer is much less than EASI and is $24,500 less than my CIC salary. There is up to a 10% bonus based upon profit sharing, but this is not guaranteed. There is also $0.50 on the dollar matching on 401k contributions up to 5% of salary. The matching percentage is graduated based on years of service until it reaches dollar for dollar. EASI does not have a 401k. I will also receive 3000 shares of phantom stock that can provide substantial pay out later. Ingram provides great health benefits, and I need to factor in professional growth within Ingram.
So on Friday morning, May 28, 2004, I begin my three-hour drive to Gethsemani Abbey with two very different opportunities to choose between. The EASI opportunity offers much better money upfront; an exciting chance to make my own way; staying in my field of expertise of electrical engineering; few benefits; higher risk and higher stress; and a longer commute with a likely move looming. Ingram offers a stable company with excellent benefits; a new learning experience but the risk of a major career change; opportunity to work with my friend Chuck; lower financial reward upfront; and a less stressful environment and an easy commute.
It is 2:40 PM as I begin my second retreat at Gethsemani. I have walked to the top of St. Joseph’s Hill across from the entranceway to the Abbey, and I am sitting next to the statue that adorns the hill. Joseph, with the baby Jesus in his arms, looks out over the Abbey, while I gaze out over the rolling Kentucky Hills and miles of countryside. It is a warm, just bordering on hot, humid day with thick billowing clouds rolling over the hills surrounding the Abbey. Although the sun shines through frequently, you can feel rain in the air just waiting for its chance. When the breeze blows during cloud cover, it is cool and almost damp.
Thunder concussions, deep and vibrating, resonate in from the distance, while bright yellow butterflies chase each other above the high grass around me. Swallows dance over the surrounding meadows in stunning acrobatics performing their dinner ballet. Farm equipment drones peacefully from outlying fields. As with my first retreat, God has looked at my time line, and He has put me where I need to be on this weekend. I could not foresee where I would be, what decisions would be looming, what frame of mind I would be in six months ago when I booked this retreat. God did.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Faith Walk: Chapter 6
This post is part of a series of journal transcriptions from my second retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, KY during May 28 to May 30, 2004.
Sunday May 30, 2004 8:35 AM EST
I resume writing having stopped late yesterday after a marathon session. I arose to my watch alarm at 3:00 AM this morning for Vigils at 3:15 AM, although I was already awake. A thunderstorm had descended upon the Abbey. I was lying in bed listening to the rain and thunder, and watching the lightning dimly strobe my room through the filter of the window blinds and half-closed eyelids.
Sunday May 30, 2004 8:35 AM EST
I resume writing having stopped late yesterday after a marathon session. I arose to my watch alarm at 3:00 AM this morning for Vigils at 3:15 AM, although I was already awake. A thunderstorm had descended upon the Abbey. I was lying in bed listening to the rain and thunder, and watching the lightning dimly strobe my room through the filter of the window blinds and half-closed eyelids.
Vigils, Lauds, Terce, Sext, None, Vespers and Compline are the seven hours of the liturgy of the hours or opus Dei (work of God) as St. Benedict called it in his Rule. They are common prayer services, the prayer of the Church as well as the prayer of our community. None of these hours actually lasts an hour. All seven add up to two and a half or two and three-quarters hours. The backbone of these services is the 150 psalms, sung or recited according to a two-week cycle. At each hour there is also a hymn, reading from Scripture, prayer of the day and commemoration of Our Lady. Some of the brothers recite a simple office of Our Fathers, Hail Marys and Glory Be to the Fathers in another part of the monastery. The monks and others who pray the liturgy of the hours do so on behalf of the Church, and of all humankind, to praise, thank and petition God throughout the day. [1]
I enjoy Vigils because it is quiet, sparsely attended, and the prayer time has an overwhelming spiritual ambiance: a sanctuary shrouded in the early morning darkness subtly illuminated by candle light. The flickering flames create fluttering shadow angels on the high Abbey walls, apparitions formed from the praying figures of the monks. The environment demands a quiet, meditative attitude impressing upon you that this is a place of worship and reverence, and that you are in the presence of God. This atmosphere is further imposed by the storm that accompanies our vigil. Lightning flashes like epiphanies, and thunder resonates deeply through the stone of the Abby before rumbling off into the distance. It is as if the heavenly hosts are slowly sweeping through. I catch imaginative glimpses of the specter that accompanied Israel and Moses in their wanderings.
Father Matthew mentioned in last evening’s homily that after Pentecost, the form of man, worship, and the Church was different because the Holy Spirit accompanies us now as promised by Jesus after He left us. Today is Pentecost and this is the first worship period of the day. I cannot help but feel a connection between the power of the storm and the Holy Spirit as we worship.
I left my story on Monday afternoon, May 17, 2004, heading to my interview with EASI after the events of Sunday evening and Monday morning with Phil, Nathan, and the family. The interview goes well. We had taken one car to the hospital Monday morning knowing we would be back that afternoon. Anita and Maria have driven me to Hendersonville for the interview. I call Anita via our cell phones when I am finished as she and Maria are cruising around. We head back to Nashville with greater hope as EASI has invited me back for a second interview. I am to return on Thursday at 10:00 AM.
On the way into Nashville, the Philadelphia lawyers call regarding the intellectual property dispute in which I am involved for CIC’s parent, Exelon Energies, who is selling us. They want me to change my schedule for the following week. Referencing Chapter 4, I have told the attorneys from the beginning that I am not available on those dates. I have a ticket to the Rush concert on the 26th, and my Gethsemani retreat begins on May 28. The Rush concert is opening night of their new tour, and they have not toured in about five years. I am adamant that I cannot change my schedule. Keep in mind that Exelon has seen fit to dump me on the street at the end of the month, with no severance, yet they want me to continue assisting with the case and be a key witness as well. The lawyers are sympathetic, and they have argued my case with Exelon. They cannot understand how Exelon is hanging their key witness out to dry. They have said they would understand if I told everyone to, “Go pound sand.” I will help as I can, but I will not change my schedule.
On Tuesday May 18, I am back on the phone with the lawyers. Paul, the lead attorney, a very profane but otherwise nice person understands my stance. He is scrambling to adjust the witness schedule to get me in on the next Monday and maybe carryover until Wednesday so I can get back to Nashville by Wednesday afternoon. The judge is not meeting on Tuesday, how convenient. Paul likes me, and he tells me not to apologize. He has been pressing for a severance package but hasn’t had any luck. Although Paul and I are completely two different people with different sets of values, I have formed a friendship with him, and with the co-lead attorney. The co-lead attorney, Rich, is an ex-football player, ex-district attorney who has seen more than anyone can imagine. When he was a child, his father was executed in the streets while they were walking together. His father was a non-violent, Cuban resistance leader. I think Rich was 8 years old when he testified in a world court. He has a daughter who is Maria’s age who is dying from an ALS type disorder that affects children. She is the oldest living child with the disease. Rich is a great guy and a strong, sincere family man. I have been praying hard for his family, which they truly seem to appreciate.
Changing themes for a moment, I failed to write about another powerful event involving Christ and His Church that occurred on Sunday. I had mentioned in an earlier chapter a family for whom I had been praying. Their 7-year-old daughter, Julia, had been diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, despite the congregation’s fervent prayers that the tests would be negative. I had truly felt in my heart that she would not be found positive. I had steadfastly relied on Mark 11: 22-24:
“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” [2]
On this Sunday morning, Tim, our minister, noticed the mother Maria crying in her pew. Many of us had noticed, and we were tearful as well. Tim said he could not preach until he dealt with this opportunity. He walked over to the family. I got up to accompany Tim. A large number followed including our elders. We put our hands on the family and prayed over them. Their younger son, our daughter’s age, was to be tested for CF the coming Friday. At Wednesday evening services, we are asked to pray and fast for young John’s CF testing.
There was a benefit barbeque and concert after Church that Sunday for the Wayne Reed Christian Childcare Center. Todd, Julia’s father, gave me an extra ticket he had to attend. We had not bought tickets at $25 per person due to our uncertain financial state. Maria had a cold that morning so Anita had stayed with her at home. What an act of kindness on Todd’s part. Wayne Reed is a long time member at our church. We used to play basketball together every Sunday afternoon. Wayne and his wife, Diana, founded the Christian Childcare Center after realizing Wayne would not be able to coach his sons in sports when Wayne was diagnosed with ALS. Wayne suffers mightily, but he is at Church every Sunday. He has had the disease a long time now, much longer than most with ALS. A true miracle. I am surrounded by examples that put my situation into sharp perspective teaching me how to handle my trials with faith and courage.
Back to Tuesday, May 18: That afternoon I get a call from Ingram whom I had felt was another lost job opportunity. They want me to come in on Wednesday. Amazing how the Lord is working. I am officially terminated, but I have two follow-up interviews in the same week, both are in the Nashville area, and the Philadelphia arbitration does not interfere. I find out too that the deal for CIC Global has died. Now Ritchie and Mark, the only two at CIC that are moving on to the new company, are in the same boat I am, but they have no other prospects. I empathize with their turmoil. I head back to Vanderbilt Hospital on Tuesday afternoon to sit with Nathan’s family during his follow-up skin graft surgery. The prognosis is very good, but they do not perform the skin graft. The doctor wishes to wait until Thursday.
I go to the Ingram interview on Wednesday afternoon, but I have mixed feelings on its success. I like everyone I meet. The VP of human resources and I interact well. I also feel I did well with the team members I would be working with, and I had a nice conversation with the VP of Sales. Yet, I again get the impression that Kaj, my boss elect, does not like my personality. Kaj is a very direct but pleasant person. I like him, but I am not sure he cares for me.
Another diversion note and flash back to the Friday, May 14. I remember while I am journaling that my Vanderbilt football season ticket and my National Commodore Club donation were both due on that Friday. I had held off as long as possible not knowing if I could afford it, or even if I would be staying in Nashville. I had several resumes submitted for out-of-town jobs, and theoretically, the job with DCSI in St. Louis was still open. It was not dependent on DCSI buying CIC. My support of Vanderbilt University and its athletics programs are a financial priority. I worried that I would not be able to continue this support. I again made the leap of faith trusting that I would remain in Nashville, and that I would be able to afford my support. I renewed.
Picking up at Thursday morning May 18: I have my second interview with EASI and again it goes well. I get a better feel for the business. The position will be over all manufacturing and engineering as well as being responsible for distributor and sales support. I would report to the President, Paul. The schedule and objectives would be aggressive. I worry that Paul’s and the company owner’s expectations may be too high. The w0rkload would be heavy. Travel would be necessary, but hopefully it would not exceed 25% of my time. However, I know Paul is traveling frequently trying to do two jobs. It is evident that my family would need to move to Hendersonville eventually in order to minimize the commute time and to allow me to maximize family time. Paul and the owner tell me that whoever is in this position can write his own ticket if he can perform. They also want someone who would have fun doing the job. I like both Paul and the owner, and I feel I can succeed.
EASI is a small company with few benefits and no health insurance, so I would have to fund my own. Higher risk, greater reward, at least financially, is the way I sum it up. I like the potential, but I have some reservations about the company overall. Would I be stepping into another CIC? The interview ends shortly after lunch. They acknowledge that they will probably make an offer and will call soon. Hope grows!
I leave Hendersonville traveling to Vanderbilt to be with Nathan and family. They are just taking Nathan down for his surgery. Bailey, Nathan’s older sister, arrives from school with Phil. Bailey and I head to the playground so Phil can eat, rest, and be with his wife Patti and with Nathan. The playground is on an upper floor outside which is pretty cool. You can look out over the hospital complex while you play. You have a great view of the Life Flight helicopter traffic which is always exciting, even though I mindful of what each arrival and departure imply. Maria and Anita arrive a short time later. Maria and Bailey run to each other, shouting each other’s name, and they hug tightly. They never say a word about the situation, but this 3-year-old, almost four, and this 7-year-old know just how to minister to each other. Love abounds among sadness and tragedy. Is the growth of love among our families and our Church a tragedy? God indeed works in mysterious ways.
Nathan’s surgery is a success. I end up taking Bailey and her grandparents to her house. This allows Phil to keep their van at the hospital and to go home later that night after Nathan has come out of anesthesia. I arrive home about 8:45 PM; tired but with a measure of peace that I have not felt in a long while.
[1] “A Monk’s Day.” Monastic Life. Copyright 2003 The Abbey of Gethsemani. 19 July 2005.
[2] Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. The NIV and New International Version trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by International Bible Society. Use of either trademark requires the permission of International Bible Society.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Faith Walk: Chapter 5
This post is part of a series of journal transcriptions from my second retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, KY during May 28 to May 30, 2004.
Saturday May 29, 2004 11:10 AM EST (Part 3)
Phil is very distraught as any father can imagine he would be. My heart is breaking for him. I hold him, and I tell him I love him. I assure him that I am not going to leave until he asks me too, and that we will get through this. At this very moment, while I am journaling this story on a garden wall here at Gethsemani, a ruby throated hummingbird suddenly appears near me dancing and flitting among the flowers. Part of the holiness and mystery of Gethsemani for me is the appearance of such natural wonders at precise moments. I feel God is paternally attentive here. He reaches out with delicate touches of grace at the perfect moment it is needed. Just two weeks later, I am writing with the tears of reflection on this heartrending event, but God reassures me with this small, magnificent gift.
The evening and early morning of May 16 and 17, 2004 is a long, but special night. Christ as the Church reveals Himself this evening. Sandra and Jeanine minister to Patti beyond waiting room doors, while Tim Mangrum and I stay with Phil. Tim is the family’s physician and pediatrician, and he is amazing. He knows just what to say and when to say it. God has truly gifted Tim as a healer. I try to stay quiet and offer physical support through hugs, shoulder massages, and head rubs. However, I do serve as a periodic spokesperson to the waiting room crowd. There must be 50 or more people present from the family’s community of faith including our elders. I am not sure, but I think every elder was present that night.
At one point in the evening, the elders and our ministers come back to pray over Phil and Patti. Phil begs for forgiveness and resolution. They nurse him with spiritual love, tell him there is nothing to forgive, and that terrible accidents occur sometimes. It is the first natural response, but we all know Phil does blame himself. Every one of us would do the same to ourselves. They understand this, and thus offering forgiveness is vital. Therefore, the elders offer forgiveness when he pleads for it. Then we encourage him, and we pray that he begins forgiving himself. We also pray for the Holy Spirit to protect this family for Satan; that he not be allowed to leverage this event for any negative affects in this family’s relationships.
I believe this time of prayer by our elders was a critical time for Phil, and may have prevented many future problems as well as immediate detrimental thoughts or actions. Christ’s love through Christian family is an amazing power that overshadows all negative powers.
Earlier that night, the nurse had told me that since Phil asked me to come back, that I should not leave him. In these situations, they feel strongly that a close friend or family member stay with the parent involved in the accident. Phil’s family and his in-laws do not live in town and will not be in until at least tomorrow. I told the nurse I would not leave Phil until he kicked me out. I told him this too. He finally kicked me out at about 12:30 AM, Monday morning. I left reluctantly.
Nathan was now out of surgery, stable, and resting. The results were that Nathan’s foot was amputated, but his knee and a good portion of his lower leg were intact. He had two places that needed skin grafts and muscle repair, which would require additional surgery in the next few days. Long-term, with a prosthetic, he would have a normal, active life. There would be few limitations if any. He would be facing future surgeries as the bone at the stump would grow, but the surrounding muscle and tissue would not. Therefore, the bone would require 2-3 more amputations as Nathan grows. Nathan is alive. Now, Phil Patti, Nathan, and Bailey must let God’s love heal them. The Church rallies around the family in the coming months.
We cannot overlook 7-year-old Bailey, Nathan’s older sister, and a big sister to our daughter Maria. Bailey witnessed the aftermath of the accident, and she likely witnessed the accident itself. She will have much to deal with. She is currently at a neighbor’s house—she was not brought to the hospital. We pick up Bailey Monday morning, and she plays with Maria at our house before we take her to the hospital to be with her family.
Bailey has spent the night with David and his wife, Jackie. They are fellow church members, and another neighbor of the family. They have been at the hospital and running back to the house for the family getting clothes and toiletries for them. David and Jackie had picked up Bailey late from another neighbor's house. I meet David at Phil’s house with our lawnmowers at 6:30 AM. We need to finish mowing the lawn, which is high. We are both working on a restless two to three hours of sleep. Our first task is to clean up the accident site, which I will not detail out of respect for the family. David and I are thankful that the family is spared the additional trauma of dealing with this job.
After we complete our tasks, I take Bailey to our house to play with Maria. I shower, and then the four us, Bailey, Anita, Maria, and I, head to the hospital for a day that we know is going to be tough on Bailey. Nevertheless, she has a strong, resilient spirit. It is her courage, energy, and happiness among tragedy that inspires Phil, and the rest of us too. It will be a long road for the family with periodic setbacks. The emotional trauma will take much more time and effort to heal than will the physical. The family’s community of Christ must be in this for the long haul and I know we will.
Sandra, Patti’s close friend, and her husband Noel are at the hospital. They have the kindness to pray over me about my interview this afternoon in the midst of this much more important ministry. Anita and Maria drive me to Hendersonville for my afternoon interview with EASI. My job situation is in sobering perspective at this moment. It doesn’t seem to really matter, as I look over at my wife and daughter—whole and healthy. I thank God.
Saturday May 29, 2004 11:10 AM EST (Part 3)
Phil is very distraught as any father can imagine he would be. My heart is breaking for him. I hold him, and I tell him I love him. I assure him that I am not going to leave until he asks me too, and that we will get through this. At this very moment, while I am journaling this story on a garden wall here at Gethsemani, a ruby throated hummingbird suddenly appears near me dancing and flitting among the flowers. Part of the holiness and mystery of Gethsemani for me is the appearance of such natural wonders at precise moments. I feel God is paternally attentive here. He reaches out with delicate touches of grace at the perfect moment it is needed. Just two weeks later, I am writing with the tears of reflection on this heartrending event, but God reassures me with this small, magnificent gift.
The evening and early morning of May 16 and 17, 2004 is a long, but special night. Christ as the Church reveals Himself this evening. Sandra and Jeanine minister to Patti beyond waiting room doors, while Tim Mangrum and I stay with Phil. Tim is the family’s physician and pediatrician, and he is amazing. He knows just what to say and when to say it. God has truly gifted Tim as a healer. I try to stay quiet and offer physical support through hugs, shoulder massages, and head rubs. However, I do serve as a periodic spokesperson to the waiting room crowd. There must be 50 or more people present from the family’s community of faith including our elders. I am not sure, but I think every elder was present that night.
At one point in the evening, the elders and our ministers come back to pray over Phil and Patti. Phil begs for forgiveness and resolution. They nurse him with spiritual love, tell him there is nothing to forgive, and that terrible accidents occur sometimes. It is the first natural response, but we all know Phil does blame himself. Every one of us would do the same to ourselves. They understand this, and thus offering forgiveness is vital. Therefore, the elders offer forgiveness when he pleads for it. Then we encourage him, and we pray that he begins forgiving himself. We also pray for the Holy Spirit to protect this family for Satan; that he not be allowed to leverage this event for any negative affects in this family’s relationships.
I believe this time of prayer by our elders was a critical time for Phil, and may have prevented many future problems as well as immediate detrimental thoughts or actions. Christ’s love through Christian family is an amazing power that overshadows all negative powers.
Earlier that night, the nurse had told me that since Phil asked me to come back, that I should not leave him. In these situations, they feel strongly that a close friend or family member stay with the parent involved in the accident. Phil’s family and his in-laws do not live in town and will not be in until at least tomorrow. I told the nurse I would not leave Phil until he kicked me out. I told him this too. He finally kicked me out at about 12:30 AM, Monday morning. I left reluctantly.
Nathan was now out of surgery, stable, and resting. The results were that Nathan’s foot was amputated, but his knee and a good portion of his lower leg were intact. He had two places that needed skin grafts and muscle repair, which would require additional surgery in the next few days. Long-term, with a prosthetic, he would have a normal, active life. There would be few limitations if any. He would be facing future surgeries as the bone at the stump would grow, but the surrounding muscle and tissue would not. Therefore, the bone would require 2-3 more amputations as Nathan grows. Nathan is alive. Now, Phil Patti, Nathan, and Bailey must let God’s love heal them. The Church rallies around the family in the coming months.
We cannot overlook 7-year-old Bailey, Nathan’s older sister, and a big sister to our daughter Maria. Bailey witnessed the aftermath of the accident, and she likely witnessed the accident itself. She will have much to deal with. She is currently at a neighbor’s house—she was not brought to the hospital. We pick up Bailey Monday morning, and she plays with Maria at our house before we take her to the hospital to be with her family.
Bailey has spent the night with David and his wife, Jackie. They are fellow church members, and another neighbor of the family. They have been at the hospital and running back to the house for the family getting clothes and toiletries for them. David and Jackie had picked up Bailey late from another neighbor's house. I meet David at Phil’s house with our lawnmowers at 6:30 AM. We need to finish mowing the lawn, which is high. We are both working on a restless two to three hours of sleep. Our first task is to clean up the accident site, which I will not detail out of respect for the family. David and I are thankful that the family is spared the additional trauma of dealing with this job.
After we complete our tasks, I take Bailey to our house to play with Maria. I shower, and then the four us, Bailey, Anita, Maria, and I, head to the hospital for a day that we know is going to be tough on Bailey. Nevertheless, she has a strong, resilient spirit. It is her courage, energy, and happiness among tragedy that inspires Phil, and the rest of us too. It will be a long road for the family with periodic setbacks. The emotional trauma will take much more time and effort to heal than will the physical. The family’s community of Christ must be in this for the long haul and I know we will.
Sandra, Patti’s close friend, and her husband Noel are at the hospital. They have the kindness to pray over me about my interview this afternoon in the midst of this much more important ministry. Anita and Maria drive me to Hendersonville for my afternoon interview with EASI. My job situation is in sobering perspective at this moment. It doesn’t seem to really matter, as I look over at my wife and daughter—whole and healthy. I thank God.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Faith Walk: Chapter 4
This post is part of a series of journal transcriptions from my second retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, KY during May 28 to May 30, 2004.
Saturday May 29, 2004 11:10 AM EST (Part 2)
As I wait to hear from Ingram and brace myself for another disappointment, I continue to wrestle with the issue of tithing. As I mentioned earlier, my wife and I had decided that tithing would be our financial priority regardless of what our new situation would be. However, during the seemingly interminable wait for Ingram’s decision, I found myself contemplating the tithing issue and the immediate blessing that occurred after our commitment. Something was pressuring me to start the commitment immediately rather than wait for resolution of our fate. This pressure was definitely not a Pavlovian response to action then reward. My faith does not hold to a health and wealth mentality. No, this was some external force not an internal force. It was a conviction.
Yet, with only a couple of guaranteed paychecks remaining and a likely period of unempl0yment afterward, we could use every penny. I was not sure tithing, which would about double our current contribution, was even feasible, well alone prudent. Conversely, if a cliff appears, if a leap of faith presents itself, shouldn’t we jump? The story of the widow’s mite could not help but come to mind.
I leapt and wrote the check for our next contribution tithing on our monthly gross income. I thought I had discussed this with my wife and had gotten her agreement. Sadly, there was, borrowing from Cool Hand Luke, a failure to communicate. Anita was quite surprised and fearful, as was I, but she supported me in the bold (rash? faithful?) action.
Several powerful events occurred quickly after this. Within a day or two of contributing the tithe, I got a call from a Hendersonville company, EASI, about a Director of Engineering position. The phone interview went extremely well, and I was invited to a formal interview. The interviewer would call tomorrow to schedule. My time for testifying at the arbitration in Philadelphia was a day-to-day decision that kept dragging on. I informed the gentleman of my situation, and that I may have to travel to Philly at a moments notice. He understood. He had to wait until tomorrow to schedule because of a deposition in which he was involved.
This was Thursday, May 13, 2004. That same day, the president of CIC Global informed me that May 31st would be the end my tenure. No severance, but CIC would pay my insurance for June, and the ceiling on vacation pay would be waived, which was set at 192 hours. I had just over 200 hours of accrued vacation. In addition, I would receive full vesting in my 401(k) so that I would not lose any matching dollars. God provides.
Rachel, our part-time office manager, also gave me a book called Career Shock written by her late husband, James C. Cotham. He had been an executive with the Nashville Gas Company, South Central Bell, Nashville City Bank, and First National Bank in Clarksville. He also served as Commissioner of Economic and Community Development in the cabinet of Governor Lamar Alexander. He spent the last years of his life as a professor of management in the Jack Massey Graduate School of Business at Belmont University. The Massey School was where I had studied for my MBA. Dr. Cotham died from cancer during the semester I started the program. The book is excellent and helped in my thoughts about what was going on in my life, how to manage it, and how to make it a positive turning point in my life. Dr. Cotham expounded on what he had learned was important in making career decisions. I don't remember money being on his list. Quality of life, family, enthusiasm for the job, trust in management, and alignment of personal beliefs with management were the points he emphasized. Rachel is a spiritual woman and truly reflects Christ in her life. From what I understand, the same was true of her husband. His book was ministering to me. Another blessing from God.
A wealth of news, blessings, and a mixed bag of emotions are occurring in my life. The end is near, but a measure of hope is on the horizon.
I contact my friend Chuck at Ingram sure in my mind that I am not in the running. He informs me that round one is over and that round two is beginning. He tells me not to worry. I still have strong doubts, but I pray to God to intervene while deferring to His will. I want to work for Ingram. Besides Chuck, for whom I have deep respect, another friend and brother in Christ works for Ingram. Chad and his wife, prior to their marriage, were in the college life group my wife and I lead in our home. Chad and Laura are special people, and they have prayed diligently for me. Both Chuck and Chad speak highly of Ingram.
On Friday, May 14, 2004, I schedule an interview with EASI for Monday, May 17. I also find out that I will not have to fly to Philadelphia that week, but they do expect me to testify on Wednesday, May 26, and Friday, May 28. From the beginning of the case, I have told the attorneys that I am not available on those dates, and I remind them of this. I have a ticket to the Rush concert on the 26th, and this Gethsemani retreat begins on May 28. The Rush concert is opening night of the tour for their new album after a very long absence. This is Rush’s first tour since the drummer’s daughter was killed in a car accident and then losing his wife to cancer within a ten month period. This is an incredible story of healing which the drummer, Neil Peart, chronicled in his book, Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road. Besides being one of the best drummers in the world, he is also an award-winning author (for this book).
On Sunday evening, May 16, at about 6:00 pm, we get a call from a church friend. Another family we are close to has had a terrible accident involving there 3-year-old son, Nathan, who is a playmate of our daughter Maria. Nathan had gotten behind the lawnmower and his dad could not see him. While backing up, he ran over Nathan’s leg. Nathan’s older sister witnessed the accident. The family is at Vanderbilt’s Children Hospital. The sister is staying at a neighbor's house. We rush to the hospital to help. Nathan’s father, Phil, is dear to me. He is one of the most devoted, loving fathers you could ever meet. Phil is devastated when we arrive. I know he is torturing himself mentally and emotionally. The staff is still doing emergency procedures on Nathan. He will survive but has severe damage to the right foot and leg. A friend Rob and one of our elders, Steve, are present and ministering to Phil. Shortly after we arrive, the nurse asks Phil to come back as they discuss options and treatment. The nurse asks if he wants someone with him. Phil asks Jeanine, Steve’s wife, to come back and be with his wife, Patti. I tell Phil any of us will go with him if he needs us.
During the time after Phil is called back, Rob, Steve, my wife Anita, and I pray for the family. Our daughter Maria is present as we pray for her friend Nathan. Sandra, a very close friend of Patti’s, arrives and joins us. During our chain prayer, the nurse returns and asks for me. Phil has requested my presence. I go back standing with Phil next to Nathan’s gurney as he waits for surgery. He is sedated and stable. I pray silently and hold Phil. My job situation no longer exists as a reality, as even an event in this universe. My heart pours out to God for this child and for Phil. My mind is totally void of any knowledge of how to deal with this situation and h0w to minister to Phil. I beg silently for God to act for me as I look down on Nathan and knead Phil’s shoulder.
[1] Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. The NIV and New International Version trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by International Bible Society. Use of either trademark requires the permission of International Bible Society.
Saturday May 29, 2004 11:10 AM EST (Part 2)
As I wait to hear from Ingram and brace myself for another disappointment, I continue to wrestle with the issue of tithing. As I mentioned earlier, my wife and I had decided that tithing would be our financial priority regardless of what our new situation would be. However, during the seemingly interminable wait for Ingram’s decision, I found myself contemplating the tithing issue and the immediate blessing that occurred after our commitment. Something was pressuring me to start the commitment immediately rather than wait for resolution of our fate. This pressure was definitely not a Pavlovian response to action then reward. My faith does not hold to a health and wealth mentality. No, this was some external force not an internal force. It was a conviction.
Yet, with only a couple of guaranteed paychecks remaining and a likely period of unempl0yment afterward, we could use every penny. I was not sure tithing, which would about double our current contribution, was even feasible, well alone prudent. Conversely, if a cliff appears, if a leap of faith presents itself, shouldn’t we jump? The story of the widow’s mite could not help but come to mind.
He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. “I tell you the truth,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.” -- Luke 21:2-4 [1]
I leapt and wrote the check for our next contribution tithing on our monthly gross income. I thought I had discussed this with my wife and had gotten her agreement. Sadly, there was, borrowing from Cool Hand Luke, a failure to communicate. Anita was quite surprised and fearful, as was I, but she supported me in the bold (rash? faithful?) action.
Several powerful events occurred quickly after this. Within a day or two of contributing the tithe, I got a call from a Hendersonville company, EASI, about a Director of Engineering position. The phone interview went extremely well, and I was invited to a formal interview. The interviewer would call tomorrow to schedule. My time for testifying at the arbitration in Philadelphia was a day-to-day decision that kept dragging on. I informed the gentleman of my situation, and that I may have to travel to Philly at a moments notice. He understood. He had to wait until tomorrow to schedule because of a deposition in which he was involved.
This was Thursday, May 13, 2004. That same day, the president of CIC Global informed me that May 31st would be the end my tenure. No severance, but CIC would pay my insurance for June, and the ceiling on vacation pay would be waived, which was set at 192 hours. I had just over 200 hours of accrued vacation. In addition, I would receive full vesting in my 401(k) so that I would not lose any matching dollars. God provides.
Rachel, our part-time office manager, also gave me a book called Career Shock written by her late husband, James C. Cotham. He had been an executive with the Nashville Gas Company, South Central Bell, Nashville City Bank, and First National Bank in Clarksville. He also served as Commissioner of Economic and Community Development in the cabinet of Governor Lamar Alexander. He spent the last years of his life as a professor of management in the Jack Massey Graduate School of Business at Belmont University. The Massey School was where I had studied for my MBA. Dr. Cotham died from cancer during the semester I started the program. The book is excellent and helped in my thoughts about what was going on in my life, how to manage it, and how to make it a positive turning point in my life. Dr. Cotham expounded on what he had learned was important in making career decisions. I don't remember money being on his list. Quality of life, family, enthusiasm for the job, trust in management, and alignment of personal beliefs with management were the points he emphasized. Rachel is a spiritual woman and truly reflects Christ in her life. From what I understand, the same was true of her husband. His book was ministering to me. Another blessing from God.
A wealth of news, blessings, and a mixed bag of emotions are occurring in my life. The end is near, but a measure of hope is on the horizon.
I contact my friend Chuck at Ingram sure in my mind that I am not in the running. He informs me that round one is over and that round two is beginning. He tells me not to worry. I still have strong doubts, but I pray to God to intervene while deferring to His will. I want to work for Ingram. Besides Chuck, for whom I have deep respect, another friend and brother in Christ works for Ingram. Chad and his wife, prior to their marriage, were in the college life group my wife and I lead in our home. Chad and Laura are special people, and they have prayed diligently for me. Both Chuck and Chad speak highly of Ingram.
On Friday, May 14, 2004, I schedule an interview with EASI for Monday, May 17. I also find out that I will not have to fly to Philadelphia that week, but they do expect me to testify on Wednesday, May 26, and Friday, May 28. From the beginning of the case, I have told the attorneys that I am not available on those dates, and I remind them of this. I have a ticket to the Rush concert on the 26th, and this Gethsemani retreat begins on May 28. The Rush concert is opening night of the tour for their new album after a very long absence. This is Rush’s first tour since the drummer’s daughter was killed in a car accident and then losing his wife to cancer within a ten month period. This is an incredible story of healing which the drummer, Neil Peart, chronicled in his book, Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road. Besides being one of the best drummers in the world, he is also an award-winning author (for this book).
On Sunday evening, May 16, at about 6:00 pm, we get a call from a church friend. Another family we are close to has had a terrible accident involving there 3-year-old son, Nathan, who is a playmate of our daughter Maria. Nathan had gotten behind the lawnmower and his dad could not see him. While backing up, he ran over Nathan’s leg. Nathan’s older sister witnessed the accident. The family is at Vanderbilt’s Children Hospital. The sister is staying at a neighbor's house. We rush to the hospital to help. Nathan’s father, Phil, is dear to me. He is one of the most devoted, loving fathers you could ever meet. Phil is devastated when we arrive. I know he is torturing himself mentally and emotionally. The staff is still doing emergency procedures on Nathan. He will survive but has severe damage to the right foot and leg. A friend Rob and one of our elders, Steve, are present and ministering to Phil. Shortly after we arrive, the nurse asks Phil to come back as they discuss options and treatment. The nurse asks if he wants someone with him. Phil asks Jeanine, Steve’s wife, to come back and be with his wife, Patti. I tell Phil any of us will go with him if he needs us.
During the time after Phil is called back, Rob, Steve, my wife Anita, and I pray for the family. Our daughter Maria is present as we pray for her friend Nathan. Sandra, a very close friend of Patti’s, arrives and joins us. During our chain prayer, the nurse returns and asks for me. Phil has requested my presence. I go back standing with Phil next to Nathan’s gurney as he waits for surgery. He is sedated and stable. I pray silently and hold Phil. My job situation no longer exists as a reality, as even an event in this universe. My heart pours out to God for this child and for Phil. My mind is totally void of any knowledge of how to deal with this situation and h0w to minister to Phil. I beg silently for God to act for me as I look down on Nathan and knead Phil’s shoulder.
[1] Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. The NIV and New International Version trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by International Bible Society. Use of either trademark requires the permission of International Bible Society.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Faith Walk: Chapter 3
This post is part of a series of journal transcriptions from my second retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, KY during May 28 to May 30, 2004.
Saturday May 29, 2004 11:10 AM EST (Part 1)
I resume my story from Chapter 1. I have just returned from a three hour hike through the woods and among the hills west of the Abbey. The Abbey of Gethsemani is the largest, and America's oldest, order of Cistercian Monks and was founded in 1848. It encompasses approximately 2000 acres (3.1 sq. mi.) of rolling hills, woodlands, lakes, and fields. It was a beautiful, sun swept morning when I walked into the midst of God’s world, emptied my heart, and asked Him to speak to me. Time lost its relevance freeing me to contemplate and listen concerning the decisions I am facing in the coming week. Back to that story and April 2004.
I am facing imminent unemployment and after six months of a vigorous job search, I have no prospects. It appears that May will be my last month of income. I begin contingency planning for joblessness; financial planning for living on unemployment, including liquidating my assets and 401k; how long can I keep my house; when to sell, etc.
Job leads pop up sporadically, but they all drop into the abyss of "we will keep your resume on file." Periods of doubt and depression ghost me, but I force myself to stay focused on moving forward and trusting God. I keep telling myself He will provide. In my heart and subconscious, I trust Him. So many prayers on my family’s behalf from so many people fortify me. My men's group provides strong support. Moving from late April into early May, I am really in a hole now. No job prospects. May termination becomes more likely everyday. Doug, a co-worker at CIC Global, my close friend and Christian confidant, has found a job and has left CIC. Being in the office is very difficult, especially with little to do. Everything is on hold as we wait for the sale of the company to close.
Through all this, I am traveling to Philadelphia periodically. I am helping to prepare for arbitration over a contract and Intellectual Property dispute involving CIC. I am a key person in defending CIC’s parent company, Exelon Energies in the case, yet they are about to dump me on the street. All inquiries about a severance for my service go unheeded. In addition, several disappointments occur in my spiritual life.
My men’s group has been praying hard for one of our members for a long time concerning a very bad situation involving his alcoholic daughter and her children. This situation has been a burden on the family for years and continues to worsen rapidly. It seems the harder we pray the worse things get.
Another family I have been praying for just received devastating news. Their daughter has been diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. I truly felt in my heart that the answer would be good news. Another negative answer to diligent prayer. These two families, my job—so many unanswered or negatively answered prayers it seems. Nevertheless, I stay faithful, desperately telling myself that God will provide. My mind does not want to hang onto this hope, this illogic in the face of surface evidence. It wants to give in to the despair that feels like an attack upon my soul. It probably is; from Satan.
So, I struggle uphill in my walk of faith. To that effort, I spend more time in contemplation, praying, and being with God now. I will not abandon God, even if I feel He may be abandoning me. My reasoning of faith says He is not, but so much of me wants to give up the fight of believing God is active rather than passive. I remind myself that God has provided for me over the last several months. I could easily be out of work, but the deal for CIC has dragged on keeping me employed.
During this period of April to May 2004, I had been meditating on another spiritual issue that has been on and off again since my first trip to Gethsemani. That is the issue of tithing. Anita and I wanted to tithe, but we did not feel like we could. Of course, I know this was just a rationalization and excuse. Had I ever seriously analyzed what it would take to do so? No. I had not crunched any numbers to see what adjustments to our lifestyle were needed in order to tithe. This proved that my heart was not really in the right place. I knew the time had come to change this. At the same time I was resurrecting this thought process, Tim Woodroof began a series of lessons on money, tithing, and debt as spiritual issues, not as financial issues. His lessons were powerful and carried the impact of the truth. His series solidified my thinking. Whatever happens to my family, job wise, tithing from our gross income is going to be the first budget item, regardless of the changes we need to make.
Within days after making this decision, a major blessing occurred. Through the Belmont University placement office, I received a job notice for Sr. Operations Analyst at Ingram Barge Company. A close friend of mine worked for Ingram Barge. We met in the Belmont MBA pr0gram and become close friends and professional colleagues. My friend had already given Ingram my resume for general purposes much earlier. I called him to ask for assistance on this opportunity. He says, “They should have already called you. I gave my boss your resume several days ago. It is my job that they are trying to fill; I got a promotion.”
What a door the Lord opened for me! A great company and a job that would transition me from engineering into operations and business. This was a career path I was seeking, and on that was almost a necessity in order to stay in Nashville. Engineering opportunities were few. Ingram called and we set up an interview. The interview went okay, but I did not feel the man to whom I would report cared for my personality. He said he was concerned that I talked about myself too much. Well, it was an interview. I am supposed to present myself, but maybe he was right. I put this down as something to consider going forward. He also noted that I could talk a lot easily. Truth hurts.
More than a week had gone by with no word from Ingram. I begin resigning myself to another disappoint.
Saturday May 29, 2004 11:10 AM EST (Part 1)
I resume my story from Chapter 1. I have just returned from a three hour hike through the woods and among the hills west of the Abbey. The Abbey of Gethsemani is the largest, and America's oldest, order of Cistercian Monks and was founded in 1848. It encompasses approximately 2000 acres (3.1 sq. mi.) of rolling hills, woodlands, lakes, and fields. It was a beautiful, sun swept morning when I walked into the midst of God’s world, emptied my heart, and asked Him to speak to me. Time lost its relevance freeing me to contemplate and listen concerning the decisions I am facing in the coming week. Back to that story and April 2004.
I am facing imminent unemployment and after six months of a vigorous job search, I have no prospects. It appears that May will be my last month of income. I begin contingency planning for joblessness; financial planning for living on unemployment, including liquidating my assets and 401k; how long can I keep my house; when to sell, etc.
Job leads pop up sporadically, but they all drop into the abyss of "we will keep your resume on file." Periods of doubt and depression ghost me, but I force myself to stay focused on moving forward and trusting God. I keep telling myself He will provide. In my heart and subconscious, I trust Him. So many prayers on my family’s behalf from so many people fortify me. My men's group provides strong support. Moving from late April into early May, I am really in a hole now. No job prospects. May termination becomes more likely everyday. Doug, a co-worker at CIC Global, my close friend and Christian confidant, has found a job and has left CIC. Being in the office is very difficult, especially with little to do. Everything is on hold as we wait for the sale of the company to close.
Through all this, I am traveling to Philadelphia periodically. I am helping to prepare for arbitration over a contract and Intellectual Property dispute involving CIC. I am a key person in defending CIC’s parent company, Exelon Energies in the case, yet they are about to dump me on the street. All inquiries about a severance for my service go unheeded. In addition, several disappointments occur in my spiritual life.
My men’s group has been praying hard for one of our members for a long time concerning a very bad situation involving his alcoholic daughter and her children. This situation has been a burden on the family for years and continues to worsen rapidly. It seems the harder we pray the worse things get.
Another family I have been praying for just received devastating news. Their daughter has been diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. I truly felt in my heart that the answer would be good news. Another negative answer to diligent prayer. These two families, my job—so many unanswered or negatively answered prayers it seems. Nevertheless, I stay faithful, desperately telling myself that God will provide. My mind does not want to hang onto this hope, this illogic in the face of surface evidence. It wants to give in to the despair that feels like an attack upon my soul. It probably is; from Satan.
So, I struggle uphill in my walk of faith. To that effort, I spend more time in contemplation, praying, and being with God now. I will not abandon God, even if I feel He may be abandoning me. My reasoning of faith says He is not, but so much of me wants to give up the fight of believing God is active rather than passive. I remind myself that God has provided for me over the last several months. I could easily be out of work, but the deal for CIC has dragged on keeping me employed.
During this period of April to May 2004, I had been meditating on another spiritual issue that has been on and off again since my first trip to Gethsemani. That is the issue of tithing. Anita and I wanted to tithe, but we did not feel like we could. Of course, I know this was just a rationalization and excuse. Had I ever seriously analyzed what it would take to do so? No. I had not crunched any numbers to see what adjustments to our lifestyle were needed in order to tithe. This proved that my heart was not really in the right place. I knew the time had come to change this. At the same time I was resurrecting this thought process, Tim Woodroof began a series of lessons on money, tithing, and debt as spiritual issues, not as financial issues. His lessons were powerful and carried the impact of the truth. His series solidified my thinking. Whatever happens to my family, job wise, tithing from our gross income is going to be the first budget item, regardless of the changes we need to make.
Within days after making this decision, a major blessing occurred. Through the Belmont University placement office, I received a job notice for Sr. Operations Analyst at Ingram Barge Company. A close friend of mine worked for Ingram Barge. We met in the Belmont MBA pr0gram and become close friends and professional colleagues. My friend had already given Ingram my resume for general purposes much earlier. I called him to ask for assistance on this opportunity. He says, “They should have already called you. I gave my boss your resume several days ago. It is my job that they are trying to fill; I got a promotion.”
What a door the Lord opened for me! A great company and a job that would transition me from engineering into operations and business. This was a career path I was seeking, and on that was almost a necessity in order to stay in Nashville. Engineering opportunities were few. Ingram called and we set up an interview. The interview went okay, but I did not feel the man to whom I would report cared for my personality. He said he was concerned that I talked about myself too much. Well, it was an interview. I am supposed to present myself, but maybe he was right. I put this down as something to consider going forward. He also noted that I could talk a lot easily. Truth hurts.
More than a week had gone by with no word from Ingram. I begin resigning myself to another disappoint.
Faith Walk: Chapter 2
This post is part of a series of journal transcriptions from my second retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, KY during May 28 to May 30, 2004.
Part 1 journey will continue very soon in Part 2. I am posting just as I journaled.
Notes from Father Matthew’s Homily: Friday May 28, 2004 7:45 PM EST
Maximilian Kolbe, the Saint of Auschwitz, martyred himself at the Auschwitz death camp to save an innocent young man who was one of ten chosen to be killed as an example by the camp Commandant. The young man cried in anguish, “'My poor wife! 'My poor children! What will they do?” The catholic priest volunteered to take his place and the Commandant accepted his sacrifice. Some credit Kolbe’s actions as a major factor in the confession and conversion of Rudolph Hess in his last days.
1938 True Story: A young white man jumping into a moving rail car—half in, half out—could not pull himself in. Facing certain death, he prayed to God to save him. A large, black hand reached out and pulled him into the rail car. After the young man caught his breath, he rolled over to find the rail car empty. He says, “If man has a guardian angel, he is a large, black male in his mid-30’s.”
The phrase “knock on wood” refers to knocking on the wood of the cross.
What you do to your fellow man you do to Christ. Christ lives in the present and your sins affect Christ in the present. You only have one life on earth, and it is short, so live it for God. You will fail, and you are flawed, but push on. Your work will be imperfect, but what does that have to do with anything? Who you are doesn’t matter, but Who you know does!
Part 1 journey will continue very soon in Part 2. I am posting just as I journaled.
Notes from Father Matthew’s Homily: Friday May 28, 2004 7:45 PM EST
Maximilian Kolbe, the Saint of Auschwitz, martyred himself at the Auschwitz death camp to save an innocent young man who was one of ten chosen to be killed as an example by the camp Commandant. The young man cried in anguish, “'My poor wife! 'My poor children! What will they do?” The catholic priest volunteered to take his place and the Commandant accepted his sacrifice. Some credit Kolbe’s actions as a major factor in the confession and conversion of Rudolph Hess in his last days.
1938 True Story: A young white man jumping into a moving rail car—half in, half out—could not pull himself in. Facing certain death, he prayed to God to save him. A large, black hand reached out and pulled him into the rail car. After the young man caught his breath, he rolled over to find the rail car empty. He says, “If man has a guardian angel, he is a large, black male in his mid-30’s.”
The phrase “knock on wood” refers to knocking on the wood of the cross.
What you do to your fellow man you do to Christ. Christ lives in the present and your sins affect Christ in the present. You only have one life on earth, and it is short, so live it for God. You will fail, and you are flawed, but push on. Your work will be imperfect, but what does that have to do with anything? Who you are doesn’t matter, but Who you know does!
Monday, June 20, 2005
Faith Walk: Chapter 1
This post is part of a series of journal transcriptions from my second retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, KY during May 28 to May 30, 2004.
Friday May 28, 2004 2:40 PM EST
It is a serene, early afternoon as I begin my second retreat at Gethsemani. I have walked to the top of St. Joseph’s Hill across from the entranceway to the Abbey, and I am sitting next to the statue that adorns the hill. Joseph, with the baby Jesus in his arms, looks out over the Abbey, while I gaze out over the rolling Kentucky Hills and miles of countryside. It is a warm, just bordering on hot, humid day with thick billowing clouds rolling over the hills surrounding the Abbey. Although the sun shines through frequently, you can feel rain in the air just waiting for its chance. When the breeze blows during cloud cover, it is cool and almost damp.
Thunder concussions, deep and vibrating, resonate in from the distance, while bright yellow butterflies chase each other above the high grass around me. Swallows skim over the meadows in stunning acrobatics performing their dinner ballet. Farm equipment drones peacefully from outlying fields. As with my first retreat, God has looked at my time line, and He has put me where I need to be on this weekend. I could not foresee where I would be, what decisions would be looming, what frame of mind I would be in six months ago when I booked this retreat. God did.
In October 2003, I made the decision to leave my employer, CIC Global. Things were not looking good, and I was certainly not happy. Therefore, I started the job search process. In December 2003, our owners announced that they were selling CIC. By February, they had a prospective buyer. The prospect, DCSI, was in St. Louis, MO, and I was not part of the deal; my position was redundant. My job search had been futile so far, and I knew I was going to lose this job after a deal was completed. I prayed fervently for God to be involved and to deliver me to a job.
Around March, DCSI brought everyone to St. Louis for interviews, a tour of the company, and a group tour with a realtor. They even invited me, although I had no idea why. Turns out, they had a position they needed to fill, and they thought I might be a viable candidate. The position was Director of Engineering over two departments totaling approximately 23 people. I very much wanted to stay in Nashville, but a good job with a decent company, and a big step forward professionally, would be difficult to refuse. In the following weeks, they brought me, along with my wife and daughter, back to St. Louis for additional interviews, for a management screening test, and to meet with a realtor. I quickly went from being the odd man out to being the envy of the office, as this position seemed to be better than did my co-workers potential positions.
After my family’s return from the professional courtship, I heard nothing from DCSI. This occurred in parallel with another failed opportunity that left me baffled and that shook my confidence. A Director of Engineering over a small development staff at Frigidaire was available in Springfield, TN about 30 minutes north of Nashville. The position was as perfect a match with my resume as one could hope for in a job search. A recruiter working on behalf of the company submitted my resume, but I could not even get a phone interview.
An engineer I had worked with at Chromalox, worked in this group at Frigidaire. He had played politics at Chromalox and had hurt both a very close friend of mine and me. We were his two best friends at work. He used subterfuge to become Engineering Manager even though I had better qualifications, a much longer tenure, and the endorsement of my colleagues. He was eventually fired from Chromalox. He later apologized to me. I told him it was fine and forgiven. I told him that if I had gotten the promotion I would have stayed at Chromalox. Instead, I ended up leaving to start a business, and I eventually signed on full-time with my primary customer, CIC Global. My family and I were much better off financially, and I professionally, with CIC. That whole process enabled my wife to leave her job to be a stay-at-home mother to our newborn daughter. God indeed works in mysterious ways.
I thought everything was fine between us after his apology. The position at Frigidaire was this person’s boss. Whoever got the job, he would report to. After some tenaciousness on my part, the recruiter managed to secure a phone interview for me. The interviewer was trying to fill his former position having just been promoted. The interview went well I thought. We were both Vanderbilt alumni in Electrical Engineering, and we shared several professional colleagues through Belmont University where I had recently received my MBA. The scenario seemed perfect. I never heard back from him after the phone interview, which he concluded on a positive note implying a follow-up visit. I corresponded with him several times in an attempt to understand why the abrupt ending to the process. With me being a local candidate, he had little risk in a personal interview other than time. He never answered any of my voice mails, emails, nor letters. Nor did he ever explain to the recruiter either. A strange situation. I have no idea if my “friend” poisoned the well, but it is difficult not to suspect.
Heading into April 2004, I had no job prospects, not much hope, and termination at CIC Global was pending. I had constantly prayed through this process that the Lord give me the wisdom to discern His will and the strength to execute it.
I am interrupted in my writing at this point by an older gentleman who has walked to the hilltop and has begun talking on his cell phone! After concluding his call, he tells me he has been on retreat before. I guess the silent retreat aspect has eluded him. The retreats at Gethsemani are to be primarily silent. Only a few places are designated for conversation. The hilltop was not one of them. The man cheerfully ignores my silent, but polite, responses and proceeds to engage me in a one-way conversation.
I leave the hill deciding to walk to the statues of the Garden of Gethsemane.[1] As I am walking in the woods, I begin to pray. I try to empty myself asking God to fill me, for the Holy Spirit to fill me. “God, please speak to me and let me know the path you wish me to walk.” Immediately, I feel a sense of peace and gracious emotion. At this moment, I walk around a bend in the path and come upon one of the tablets, icons, and statues that adorn the paths and grounds at Gethsemani. This tablet reads, “Behold I send an angel before you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place which I have prepared. Give heed to him and hearken to his voice.” [Exodus 23:20-21] My eyes fill with tears. How can any one not believe in God our Father? If you seek him, he will find you and answer you! I am reminded of a statement by Father Matthew during one his homilies. “Never stop talking to God, and He will never leave you.”
I walk out of the woods into the meadow that surrounds the copse where the statues are located. Bluebirds and gold finches greet me their colors brilliant and vibrant. If you look carefully and quietly, you can find Hummingbirds in the copse edge, which is an impenetrable border of wildflowers. This is truly a place of peace and abiding with God. No one is around now. Thunder still echoes in the distance.
I walk into the copse and up to the statues. Looking at the statue of Jesus praying in agony, my eyes immediately cloud with tears again. I cannot look upon icons like this without emotion since seeing The Passion of Christ.
[1] The statues were donated in honor of a young seminarian who traveled to Alabama during the civil rights movement. Witnessing an escalating argument between a young women and a law enforcement officer who raised his weapon to shoot, he stepped in and took the bullet for her. A plaque at the path entrance to the statues reads: In memory of Jonathon M Daniel. Episcopal seminarian martyred in Alabama Aug. 20, 1965. Donated to the Monastery by William Coolidge of Boston, MA. Walker Hancock sculptor. May we always remember that the Church exists to lead men to Christ in many and varied ways, but it is always the same Christ.
Friday May 28, 2004 2:40 PM EST
It is a serene, early afternoon as I begin my second retreat at Gethsemani. I have walked to the top of St. Joseph’s Hill across from the entranceway to the Abbey, and I am sitting next to the statue that adorns the hill. Joseph, with the baby Jesus in his arms, looks out over the Abbey, while I gaze out over the rolling Kentucky Hills and miles of countryside. It is a warm, just bordering on hot, humid day with thick billowing clouds rolling over the hills surrounding the Abbey. Although the sun shines through frequently, you can feel rain in the air just waiting for its chance. When the breeze blows during cloud cover, it is cool and almost damp.
Thunder concussions, deep and vibrating, resonate in from the distance, while bright yellow butterflies chase each other above the high grass around me. Swallows skim over the meadows in stunning acrobatics performing their dinner ballet. Farm equipment drones peacefully from outlying fields. As with my first retreat, God has looked at my time line, and He has put me where I need to be on this weekend. I could not foresee where I would be, what decisions would be looming, what frame of mind I would be in six months ago when I booked this retreat. God did.
In October 2003, I made the decision to leave my employer, CIC Global. Things were not looking good, and I was certainly not happy. Therefore, I started the job search process. In December 2003, our owners announced that they were selling CIC. By February, they had a prospective buyer. The prospect, DCSI, was in St. Louis, MO, and I was not part of the deal; my position was redundant. My job search had been futile so far, and I knew I was going to lose this job after a deal was completed. I prayed fervently for God to be involved and to deliver me to a job.
Around March, DCSI brought everyone to St. Louis for interviews, a tour of the company, and a group tour with a realtor. They even invited me, although I had no idea why. Turns out, they had a position they needed to fill, and they thought I might be a viable candidate. The position was Director of Engineering over two departments totaling approximately 23 people. I very much wanted to stay in Nashville, but a good job with a decent company, and a big step forward professionally, would be difficult to refuse. In the following weeks, they brought me, along with my wife and daughter, back to St. Louis for additional interviews, for a management screening test, and to meet with a realtor. I quickly went from being the odd man out to being the envy of the office, as this position seemed to be better than did my co-workers potential positions.
After my family’s return from the professional courtship, I heard nothing from DCSI. This occurred in parallel with another failed opportunity that left me baffled and that shook my confidence. A Director of Engineering over a small development staff at Frigidaire was available in Springfield, TN about 30 minutes north of Nashville. The position was as perfect a match with my resume as one could hope for in a job search. A recruiter working on behalf of the company submitted my resume, but I could not even get a phone interview.
An engineer I had worked with at Chromalox, worked in this group at Frigidaire. He had played politics at Chromalox and had hurt both a very close friend of mine and me. We were his two best friends at work. He used subterfuge to become Engineering Manager even though I had better qualifications, a much longer tenure, and the endorsement of my colleagues. He was eventually fired from Chromalox. He later apologized to me. I told him it was fine and forgiven. I told him that if I had gotten the promotion I would have stayed at Chromalox. Instead, I ended up leaving to start a business, and I eventually signed on full-time with my primary customer, CIC Global. My family and I were much better off financially, and I professionally, with CIC. That whole process enabled my wife to leave her job to be a stay-at-home mother to our newborn daughter. God indeed works in mysterious ways.
I thought everything was fine between us after his apology. The position at Frigidaire was this person’s boss. Whoever got the job, he would report to. After some tenaciousness on my part, the recruiter managed to secure a phone interview for me. The interviewer was trying to fill his former position having just been promoted. The interview went well I thought. We were both Vanderbilt alumni in Electrical Engineering, and we shared several professional colleagues through Belmont University where I had recently received my MBA. The scenario seemed perfect. I never heard back from him after the phone interview, which he concluded on a positive note implying a follow-up visit. I corresponded with him several times in an attempt to understand why the abrupt ending to the process. With me being a local candidate, he had little risk in a personal interview other than time. He never answered any of my voice mails, emails, nor letters. Nor did he ever explain to the recruiter either. A strange situation. I have no idea if my “friend” poisoned the well, but it is difficult not to suspect.
Heading into April 2004, I had no job prospects, not much hope, and termination at CIC Global was pending. I had constantly prayed through this process that the Lord give me the wisdom to discern His will and the strength to execute it.
I am interrupted in my writing at this point by an older gentleman who has walked to the hilltop and has begun talking on his cell phone! After concluding his call, he tells me he has been on retreat before. I guess the silent retreat aspect has eluded him. The retreats at Gethsemani are to be primarily silent. Only a few places are designated for conversation. The hilltop was not one of them. The man cheerfully ignores my silent, but polite, responses and proceeds to engage me in a one-way conversation.
I leave the hill deciding to walk to the statues of the Garden of Gethsemane.[1] As I am walking in the woods, I begin to pray. I try to empty myself asking God to fill me, for the Holy Spirit to fill me. “God, please speak to me and let me know the path you wish me to walk.” Immediately, I feel a sense of peace and gracious emotion. At this moment, I walk around a bend in the path and come upon one of the tablets, icons, and statues that adorn the paths and grounds at Gethsemani. This tablet reads, “Behold I send an angel before you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place which I have prepared. Give heed to him and hearken to his voice.” [Exodus 23:20-21] My eyes fill with tears. How can any one not believe in God our Father? If you seek him, he will find you and answer you! I am reminded of a statement by Father Matthew during one his homilies. “Never stop talking to God, and He will never leave you.”
I walk out of the woods into the meadow that surrounds the copse where the statues are located. Bluebirds and gold finches greet me their colors brilliant and vibrant. If you look carefully and quietly, you can find Hummingbirds in the copse edge, which is an impenetrable border of wildflowers. This is truly a place of peace and abiding with God. No one is around now. Thunder still echoes in the distance.
I walk into the copse and up to the statues. Looking at the statue of Jesus praying in agony, my eyes immediately cloud with tears again. I cannot look upon icons like this without emotion since seeing The Passion of Christ.
[1] The statues were donated in honor of a young seminarian who traveled to Alabama during the civil rights movement. Witnessing an escalating argument between a young women and a law enforcement officer who raised his weapon to shoot, he stepped in and took the bullet for her. A plaque at the path entrance to the statues reads: In memory of Jonathon M Daniel. Episcopal seminarian martyred in Alabama Aug. 20, 1965. Donated to the Monastery by William Coolidge of Boston, MA. Walker Hancock sculptor. May we always remember that the Church exists to lead men to Christ in many and varied ways, but it is always the same Christ.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Faith Walk: Prologue
This prologue begins a series of transcription of journal entries I made during my second retreat at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, KY that occurred from May 28 to May 30, 2004.
Prologue: 1st Gethsemani Retreat August 15-17, 2003
Thomas Merton, in his autobiography The Seven Storey Mountain, wrote, “Without a life of the spirit our whole existence becomes unsubstantial and illusory.”[1] In May of 2003 when I booked an August weekend retreat at Gethesemani Abbey, I had not yet read these words. I did not realize at the time that God’s spirit was influencing me, hoping that in my free will that I would act on His exhortation. I did act and His paternal love and mercy were revealed to me those many months later.
Gethsemani is situated among the rolling hills in the middle of Kentucky well off the main highways. The Abbey is surrounded by fields and miles of wooded land in which several small lakes are hidden. When you are on retreat at Gethsemani, it is almost entirely a silent respite. Your time is not directed. You are free to attend any of the eight daily prayer and worship periods of the monks with the first, Vigils, occurring at 3:15 AM. You have a room with linens supplied and meals are provided. You are absolved of any duties during your stay according to Saint Benedict’s Rule for Monasteries, which states the guest represents Christ and has a claim on the welcome and care of the community. The monks, the facilities, the worship services, and the surrounding miles of nature see to it that external distractions are removed. Merton, a monk at Gethsemani for twenty-seven years, described this atmosphere as a place “to entertain silence in the heart and listen for the voice of God—to pray for your own discovery.” The purpose of a Gethsemani retreat is communion with God through prayer, meditation, worship, and personal reflection. I cannot imagine anyone having a lukewarm experience in this place.
On the second day of my retreat, a beautiful Saturday morning with the sun burning off the early morning mist, I went for a walk to the statues of the Garden of Gethsemane. The statues are two life size sculptures, one depicting the apostles sleeping in the garden and the other of Christ praying in agony.[2] A serene hike through the woods and over a hill brings you to an opening meadow. In this large, mowed meadow is a copse engulfing a small hill where the statues are located. I did not proceed directly into the woods via the statue path, but decided to walk around the edge of the thicket in the meadow.
The edge of the thicket was a deep, impenetrable wall of wild flowers with bees and insects performing a wonderful symphony of nature. I was completely alone as I strolled around the far side of the hill. As I walked, I began to concentrate and reflect on the main purpose I had for this retreat. Not a purpose I consciously had three months prior, but a thorn that had recently moved from periodic discomfort to a pain of very sharp focus.
Over the last three years, I had been struggling with stress and unhappiness, even though my religious life was more active than ever. I was more involved at church, and I had started attending a small, intimate men’s fellowship. Yet, I was not content. Job stress seemed never ending. My marriage was not as intimate as it should be and was even contentious at times. I was searching for inner peace, but it eluded me. The only things that were bringing me happiness were my precious daughter, worship, listening to music or reading in solitude, and my men’s group. My unhappiness at work and home quickly brought me out of those fleeting moments of peace.
My crisis was that I was miserable trying to please others. I felt I could not do enough to please my wife, my boss, or the company president. This is not necessarily an indictment of these individuals; they were just the people in my life that required the most time and accountability. My self worth and acceptance have always been tied too much to what I perceived others think. I tend to associate my mistakes with failure. Small embarrassments become lingering trauma. I worry about what my peers’ and my acquaintances’ opinions of me are. Of all the circles in which I have moved throughout my life, schools, jobs, churches, etc., only in a very few have I felt that I truly fit. This behavior was slowly devouring me. In my men’s fellowship, we were studying simplicity and a contemplative life. I defined what this meant to me as peace of soul, a contentment that is removed from circumstance. I defined it, but why could I not achieve it?
I had discussed my struggles with a counselor and she asked me if I thought God was ever unhappy with me? I answered most assuredly. I sin, and He must get angry over some of the things I do. “Does this depress you in the same way?” she asked? I answered “no”, and she questioned, “why not?” I thought hard on this for a week. The answer I arrived at was God’s assured love for me, His grace through Christ. I have salvation despite my failings. She posed the question, “If you can see God this way and accept yourself because of it, even with sin, why do you elevate the opinion of others above this?” Merton described this paradox so well when he wrote:
I knew it as truth but I was not practicing it. Alone in contemplation and prayer, all this came to me in internal acceptance and understanding. How often do we know a truth in our minds, but fail to accept it in our hearts?
The light hit me in this meadow, my road to Damascus. God said to my heart, “I am your identity, accept it. Let go of what others think of you, or worse, what you think they think. I let my Son die for you. What more do you need to know about yourself?” [Ro. 5:1-5] Tears flowed. I am okay; not perfect, but loved by God. It is only through Christ that I am made perfect, and He loved me enough to die doing so. [Jn. 16:33]
I proceeded back to the statues and entered the wood to view them. I knelt down to pray in front of the sculpture of Jesus on His knees, head lifted heavenward, hands clasped over His face, praying in agony. I lifted up a prayer of thanks for God’s revelation and the peace I was feeling. I began by petitioning the Lord to empty me of myself and to fill me with His Holy Spirit. I then asked God to help me not focus on the people at work, to let me not judge myself through them, to help me be a good father, a good husband, and to ….
I realized I was immediately falling into the same ironic trap by praying for assistance in being those things that are not my root identity. They were not necessarily bad things to pray for, but off the mark at that moment. I emptied my heart. I prayed, “Let me focus on being your creature.” If I can do this then I cannot help but be a good father, husband, or employee. If I know my root identity, I will act from it. I had taken the first infant steps toward contentment that is removed from circumstance. I tried to record my emotions and contemplation in a psalm.
A Prayer of Supplication and Identity
Prayer and Lamentation
1 O Lord God, I came to you burdened and alone. My spirit pained; torment and ridicule haunted me.
2 Am I not a good husband, a loving father God? Am I not diligent and concerned at my work?
3 O why then, Father, cannot I make the world happy with me? Why do those surrounding me chastise me, O Lord?
4 Why am I not satisfied with myself? Why do I despair in my heart and beat upon my own soul?
5 O Father, it is not because I have turned from you! I worship and pray fervently. I serve you in more earthly ways than ever before.
6 Lord, my sins are fewer and less frequent than times past. Yet Your peace eludes me!
7 Why cannot I put on Your mantle of love and wear it like armour?
8 Your peace and love I taste at the plate of worship. Yet I cannot carry the fullness of the feast outside your Church.
9 The stomach of my soul growls with emptiness when I return to the world.
Revelation
10 In the solitude of Your splendor, Lord, You answered me.
11 Do I not love you!
12 Do not My blessings and grace sustain you!
13 Stop searching for worldly approval and human justification.
14 It is I who justified you through creation. It is I who justified you through My only Son.
15 He gave His life to earthly death, was crucified for you. What other justification do you require?
16 Wake up child and become a man in Christ! Your identity is found solely in My Son and Him alone.
17 Let the feast of His sacrifice fill you and sustain you forever!
_____________________________________
I had not read Merton’s comment on a life removed from the spirit when I booked the retreat. Yet those profound words succinctly express what God revealed to me that weekend. Although I had been a Christian all my life and I had a strong relationship with the Father, I still was not truly living in the Spirit. I had not completely undergone the spiritual transformation that is available to us when we accept Christ as our crucified and risen Savior, the One who died so that we might live eternally. That transformation for me is not being a Christian as a statement of fact, but being unable to separate my Christianity from myself anymore than being brown-eyed or being male. That my behavior and acts of charity are no longer motivated by Christian duty, but become an uncontrollable sharing of the overwhelming gift of grace.
Because I was not fully living in the Spirit, I was still a broken man. The truth is that much of my mental and emotional suffering was self-inflicted when I placed my identity in anything but Christ. I could not possibly achieve lasting peace and contentment independent of circumstance, because my life outside the spirit was not substantial and so much of what I thought I was, or supposed to be, was an illusion. Furthermore, I had never had a permanent movement of my will toward God’s will. Thus, my morals, my ethics, my actions, although sincere and good were at risk of being dead in the flesh, not alive in the Spirit. What is my purpose outside of Christ? What meaning does my life have outside the Spirit?
The struggle with my identity and my purpose are inevitable. It comes as I try to be in the world but not of the world. The busyness of my life, even in Christian activities, can allow Satan to systematically and covertly rob me of my true identity and cause me to seek justification through worldly actions. The primary avenues of his attacks are pride and the absence of stillness in my life. Only through regular removal from earthly matters to periods of contemplative prayer and meditation, can I retrench to the fundamental truths and renew myself in the Spirit—resulting in the rededication of my will to His will. Even Christ, in all His power and perfection, needed such time with His Father. Who am I, as a weaker creation, to need less?
So it is with all of us. We must constantly root our identity in the firm foundation of God’s living grace. Brothers and sisters, when you struggle with your identity, when you feel assailed and embattled by the world, I encourage you to take solace in Psalm 62: 1-8. [3]
[1] Merton, Thomas. The Seven Story Mountain. Harvest Book Fiftieth Anniversary Ed., Harcourt Brace & Company 1999. ISBN 0-15-601086-0.
[2] The statues were donated in honor of a young seminarian who traveled to Alabama during the civil rights movement. Witnessing an escalating argument between a young women and a law enforcement officer who raised his weapon to shoot, he stepped in and took the bullet for her. A plaque at the path entrance to the statues reads: In memory of Jonathon M Daniel. Episcopal seminarian martyred in Alabama Aug. 20, 1965. Donated to the Monastery by William Coolidge of Boston, MA. Walker Hancock sculptor. May we always remember that the Church exists to lead men to Christ in many and varied ways, but it is always the same Christ.
[3] Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. The NIV and New International Version trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by International Bible Society. Use of either trademark requires the permission of International Bible Society.
A version of this post first appeared in NewWineskins Magazine in the March/April Spiritual Formation Issue.
Prologue: 1st Gethsemani Retreat August 15-17, 2003
Thomas Merton, in his autobiography The Seven Storey Mountain, wrote, “Without a life of the spirit our whole existence becomes unsubstantial and illusory.”[1] In May of 2003 when I booked an August weekend retreat at Gethesemani Abbey, I had not yet read these words. I did not realize at the time that God’s spirit was influencing me, hoping that in my free will that I would act on His exhortation. I did act and His paternal love and mercy were revealed to me those many months later.
Gethsemani is situated among the rolling hills in the middle of Kentucky well off the main highways. The Abbey is surrounded by fields and miles of wooded land in which several small lakes are hidden. When you are on retreat at Gethsemani, it is almost entirely a silent respite. Your time is not directed. You are free to attend any of the eight daily prayer and worship periods of the monks with the first, Vigils, occurring at 3:15 AM. You have a room with linens supplied and meals are provided. You are absolved of any duties during your stay according to Saint Benedict’s Rule for Monasteries, which states the guest represents Christ and has a claim on the welcome and care of the community. The monks, the facilities, the worship services, and the surrounding miles of nature see to it that external distractions are removed. Merton, a monk at Gethsemani for twenty-seven years, described this atmosphere as a place “to entertain silence in the heart and listen for the voice of God—to pray for your own discovery.” The purpose of a Gethsemani retreat is communion with God through prayer, meditation, worship, and personal reflection. I cannot imagine anyone having a lukewarm experience in this place.
On the second day of my retreat, a beautiful Saturday morning with the sun burning off the early morning mist, I went for a walk to the statues of the Garden of Gethsemane. The statues are two life size sculptures, one depicting the apostles sleeping in the garden and the other of Christ praying in agony.[2] A serene hike through the woods and over a hill brings you to an opening meadow. In this large, mowed meadow is a copse engulfing a small hill where the statues are located. I did not proceed directly into the woods via the statue path, but decided to walk around the edge of the thicket in the meadow.
The edge of the thicket was a deep, impenetrable wall of wild flowers with bees and insects performing a wonderful symphony of nature. I was completely alone as I strolled around the far side of the hill. As I walked, I began to concentrate and reflect on the main purpose I had for this retreat. Not a purpose I consciously had three months prior, but a thorn that had recently moved from periodic discomfort to a pain of very sharp focus.
Over the last three years, I had been struggling with stress and unhappiness, even though my religious life was more active than ever. I was more involved at church, and I had started attending a small, intimate men’s fellowship. Yet, I was not content. Job stress seemed never ending. My marriage was not as intimate as it should be and was even contentious at times. I was searching for inner peace, but it eluded me. The only things that were bringing me happiness were my precious daughter, worship, listening to music or reading in solitude, and my men’s group. My unhappiness at work and home quickly brought me out of those fleeting moments of peace.
My crisis was that I was miserable trying to please others. I felt I could not do enough to please my wife, my boss, or the company president. This is not necessarily an indictment of these individuals; they were just the people in my life that required the most time and accountability. My self worth and acceptance have always been tied too much to what I perceived others think. I tend to associate my mistakes with failure. Small embarrassments become lingering trauma. I worry about what my peers’ and my acquaintances’ opinions of me are. Of all the circles in which I have moved throughout my life, schools, jobs, churches, etc., only in a very few have I felt that I truly fit. This behavior was slowly devouring me. In my men’s fellowship, we were studying simplicity and a contemplative life. I defined what this meant to me as peace of soul, a contentment that is removed from circumstance. I defined it, but why could I not achieve it?
I had discussed my struggles with a counselor and she asked me if I thought God was ever unhappy with me? I answered most assuredly. I sin, and He must get angry over some of the things I do. “Does this depress you in the same way?” she asked? I answered “no”, and she questioned, “why not?” I thought hard on this for a week. The answer I arrived at was God’s assured love for me, His grace through Christ. I have salvation despite my failings. She posed the question, “If you can see God this way and accept yourself because of it, even with sin, why do you elevate the opinion of others above this?” Merton described this paradox so well when he wrote:
Coming to Gethsemani I had reached a breaking point and God knew it. I just could not survive work and home anymore basing my feelings of self on the emotions of those around me. As I moved around the backside of the hill, I began to contemplate and pray about my unhappiness. I realized that I was basing my identity, not on Christ, but on my perceptions of the judgments of others. My minister, Tim Woodroof, had said we must find our identity in Christ alone. We are not spouses, fathers and mothers, business people, doctors, ministers etc. We are Christians.The logic of worldly success rests on a fallacy: the strange error that our perfection depends on the thoughts and opinions and applause of other men! A weird life it is, indeed, to be living always in somebody else’s imagination, as if that were the only place in which one could at last become real! [1]
I knew it as truth but I was not practicing it. Alone in contemplation and prayer, all this came to me in internal acceptance and understanding. How often do we know a truth in our minds, but fail to accept it in our hearts?
The light hit me in this meadow, my road to Damascus. God said to my heart, “I am your identity, accept it. Let go of what others think of you, or worse, what you think they think. I let my Son die for you. What more do you need to know about yourself?” [Ro. 5:1-5] Tears flowed. I am okay; not perfect, but loved by God. It is only through Christ that I am made perfect, and He loved me enough to die doing so. [Jn. 16:33]
I proceeded back to the statues and entered the wood to view them. I knelt down to pray in front of the sculpture of Jesus on His knees, head lifted heavenward, hands clasped over His face, praying in agony. I lifted up a prayer of thanks for God’s revelation and the peace I was feeling. I began by petitioning the Lord to empty me of myself and to fill me with His Holy Spirit. I then asked God to help me not focus on the people at work, to let me not judge myself through them, to help me be a good father, a good husband, and to ….
I realized I was immediately falling into the same ironic trap by praying for assistance in being those things that are not my root identity. They were not necessarily bad things to pray for, but off the mark at that moment. I emptied my heart. I prayed, “Let me focus on being your creature.” If I can do this then I cannot help but be a good father, husband, or employee. If I know my root identity, I will act from it. I had taken the first infant steps toward contentment that is removed from circumstance. I tried to record my emotions and contemplation in a psalm.
A Prayer of Supplication and Identity
Prayer and Lamentation
1 O Lord God, I came to you burdened and alone. My spirit pained; torment and ridicule haunted me.
2 Am I not a good husband, a loving father God? Am I not diligent and concerned at my work?
3 O why then, Father, cannot I make the world happy with me? Why do those surrounding me chastise me, O Lord?
4 Why am I not satisfied with myself? Why do I despair in my heart and beat upon my own soul?
5 O Father, it is not because I have turned from you! I worship and pray fervently. I serve you in more earthly ways than ever before.
6 Lord, my sins are fewer and less frequent than times past. Yet Your peace eludes me!
7 Why cannot I put on Your mantle of love and wear it like armour?
8 Your peace and love I taste at the plate of worship. Yet I cannot carry the fullness of the feast outside your Church.
9 The stomach of my soul growls with emptiness when I return to the world.
Revelation
10 In the solitude of Your splendor, Lord, You answered me.
11 Do I not love you!
12 Do not My blessings and grace sustain you!
13 Stop searching for worldly approval and human justification.
14 It is I who justified you through creation. It is I who justified you through My only Son.
15 He gave His life to earthly death, was crucified for you. What other justification do you require?
16 Wake up child and become a man in Christ! Your identity is found solely in My Son and Him alone.
17 Let the feast of His sacrifice fill you and sustain you forever!
_____________________________________
I had not read Merton’s comment on a life removed from the spirit when I booked the retreat. Yet those profound words succinctly express what God revealed to me that weekend. Although I had been a Christian all my life and I had a strong relationship with the Father, I still was not truly living in the Spirit. I had not completely undergone the spiritual transformation that is available to us when we accept Christ as our crucified and risen Savior, the One who died so that we might live eternally. That transformation for me is not being a Christian as a statement of fact, but being unable to separate my Christianity from myself anymore than being brown-eyed or being male. That my behavior and acts of charity are no longer motivated by Christian duty, but become an uncontrollable sharing of the overwhelming gift of grace.
Because I was not fully living in the Spirit, I was still a broken man. The truth is that much of my mental and emotional suffering was self-inflicted when I placed my identity in anything but Christ. I could not possibly achieve lasting peace and contentment independent of circumstance, because my life outside the spirit was not substantial and so much of what I thought I was, or supposed to be, was an illusion. Furthermore, I had never had a permanent movement of my will toward God’s will. Thus, my morals, my ethics, my actions, although sincere and good were at risk of being dead in the flesh, not alive in the Spirit. What is my purpose outside of Christ? What meaning does my life have outside the Spirit?
The struggle with my identity and my purpose are inevitable. It comes as I try to be in the world but not of the world. The busyness of my life, even in Christian activities, can allow Satan to systematically and covertly rob me of my true identity and cause me to seek justification through worldly actions. The primary avenues of his attacks are pride and the absence of stillness in my life. Only through regular removal from earthly matters to periods of contemplative prayer and meditation, can I retrench to the fundamental truths and renew myself in the Spirit—resulting in the rededication of my will to His will. Even Christ, in all His power and perfection, needed such time with His Father. Who am I, as a weaker creation, to need less?
So it is with all of us. We must constantly root our identity in the firm foundation of God’s living grace. Brothers and sisters, when you struggle with your identity, when you feel assailed and embattled by the world, I encourage you to take solace in Psalm 62: 1-8. [3]
1 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.Footnotes
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
3 How long will you assault a man? Would all of you throw him down – this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
4 They fully intend to topple him from his lofty place; they take delight in lies. With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse.
5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
[1] Merton, Thomas. The Seven Story Mountain. Harvest Book Fiftieth Anniversary Ed., Harcourt Brace & Company 1999. ISBN 0-15-601086-0.
[2] The statues were donated in honor of a young seminarian who traveled to Alabama during the civil rights movement. Witnessing an escalating argument between a young women and a law enforcement officer who raised his weapon to shoot, he stepped in and took the bullet for her. A plaque at the path entrance to the statues reads: In memory of Jonathon M Daniel. Episcopal seminarian martyred in Alabama Aug. 20, 1965. Donated to the Monastery by William Coolidge of Boston, MA. Walker Hancock sculptor. May we always remember that the Church exists to lead men to Christ in many and varied ways, but it is always the same Christ.
[3] Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. The NIV and New International Version trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by International Bible Society. Use of either trademark requires the permission of International Bible Society.
A version of this post first appeared in NewWineskins Magazine in the March/April Spiritual Formation Issue.
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Gethsemani Homilies by Matthew Kelty, O.C.S.O.
